Rainbows Are Lame and Lepruchans are freaky
by crazybeef
Summary: Sometimes one person can mean the world to someone else. Sometimes you can't hang onto that person, and sometimes you have to fight for them. COMPLETE, HALLELUJAH!
1. I luv Trig

This is really weird. I haven't ever written an O.C. fic. Those that know me know I'm an ENORMOUS "Buffy" freak and that's what I usually write because that's what I know so well. This is uncharted territory, so let me know how it is and if I'm grasping the characters like I should. Constructive criticism only please, I'm very, very sensitive. Thanks a bushel.  
  
I don't own anything. Duh.  
  
***  
  
I can't exactly pinpoint the precise moment that Seth Cohen became my brother. I felt that I had found an ally from the first moment I saw him. I walked into the Cohen house and there was this lanky, curly-haired boy sitting on the floor playing Playstation. He glanced up at me in the wide-eyed, innocently curious way he looks at everyone, and invited me to play videogames with him.   
  
When he decided to help hide me out in Kirsten's model home, I became aware that I had found a friend. I didn't really understand why he wanted me around so badly, at first. Then I realized that I was it. I was the only friend he had. I was his chance for companionship. I had felt like the outsider in this psychotic neighborhood, and even though he lived here and fit in on the outside, Seth didn't belong. So I had a friend, someone who would be there for me when I needed him. Someone who would listen when I needed to talk and who would comfort me with his pointless jabber when I just needed to drown in the rhythm of his voice and forget everything.   
  
But I don't know when Seth became my brother. That began to freak me out when it happened.   
  
***  
  
"Ryan! Get up, sleepyhead!" My sleep-influenced brain struggled to connect a voice with a name, or a face, when a hard collision with my head knocked me back to reality.   
  
"Ow!" I rubbed my head and blinked my eyes to clear my vision. Through the haze I finally recognized the slender brown-haired girl holding a pillow up and grinning. "Domestic violence," I said through a yawn. "Something new and exciting for me."  
  
Marissa laughed and flopped down on the bed, curling up next to me. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her hair. She always smells like Bath & Body Works' Sun-ripened Raspberry. Then I panicked about the fact that I know what that is.   
  
"You're so lazy," she scolded.  
  
"God, you bitch a lot." Marissa slapped me and we giggled. "Why do you nag me so much? That's what Seth's for."   
  
Her sweet laughter tinkled in my ears. She brushed my neck lightly with her fingers and a slight chill ran through my stomach. I love it when she does that. I thought for a second about how lucky I was to have her and everyone else in my life, then she gave me one more smack with the pillow and stood up.  
  
"Come on. We need to get going. I need to go see Mr. Beaman before first period."  
  
She kept rambling about her plans for the day as I looked through my drawers for some clothes. I emerged with a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt. Marissa looked at my selection and smiled.  
  
"Black. Big surprise."  
  
"Shut up and turn around."  
  
"Why? I know what you've got," she said seductively and turned around anyway.  
  
I put on my pants then slipped the shirt over my head. Or, more accurately, tugged. When it didn't quite reach the top of my pants and stretched tautly over my body, I got confused. I turned around to face Marissa. "What's wrong here?" I asked.  
  
Marissa looked at me and giggled. "'Chicks dig scrawny pale guys?'"  
  
"Huh?" She pointed. I looked down and read the white lettering. I looked back at her. "Seth's?"  
  
"Yeah. Definitely."  
  
I sighed and pulled the shirt back off. Another couple seconds of rummaging and I found another shirt. Black. Now fully dressed, I grabbed my jacket and book bag and Marissa and I headed out the door to the house.  
  
We entered-bickering-to find Sandy at the table with a cup of coffee and the newspaper and Kirsten fixing a bagel with strawberry flavored cream cheese.  
  
"Hey. Seth ready?"  
  
"I just went to wake him up. Again," Kirsten answered with a hint of exasperation.  
  
"He just got some new comic yesterday. He was probably up late reading it," I mentioned, not really helping any.  
  
Kirsten sighed. "Figures."  
  
"You're the one who insisted on letting him be himself. 'Let him be unique' you said. You should have forced him to play football and Little League," Sandy joked without looking up.  
  
"Shut up."  
  
Speak of the devil. The sound of Seth's feet were heard coming slowly down the stairs. He emerged looking very bedraggled.  
  
"Dude, you okay? You look pretty crappy." I looked at him kinda worried. His eyes were red and bloodshot, with dark circles around them. His skin was Casper-y, and his hair…okay the hair looked pretty normal, but…  
  
"I have the big-daddy-Vader of all headaches. Mom, do I have to go to school?" He opened the cabinet over the stove where the medicine is stored and looked around.  
  
"Yes. You don't need to get behind in…" Kirsten trailed off when she looked up and noticed Seth mimicking her. Dirty looks followed.  
  
"Sorry," he mumbled. "Don't we have any Tylenol?"  
  
"No, Ryan used it all up after the last fight he got in left him with two black eyes." Seth glared at me and I blushed. I was pretty sure I heard Marissa snicker.  
  
"Thanks bro. You know, you have a serious issue with violence. Anyone ever realize that?" Four sets of eyes stared at him. "No one gets me," he whined.  
  
"Whatever," I said and grabbed Marissa's hand. "We need to get to school. Hurry up."   
  
Seth went up to Kirsten and did his best to look pitiful. "No," she said. Seth gave up and followed us out the door. "Sure. Go ahead and hate, Mom. But face it, you couldn't live without me."  
  
***  
  
Oxygen, Hydrogen, Beryllium…who freakin' cares? I hate science. My teacher was about as interesting as that cardboard cut-out of Summer that I'm sure Seth has made and hidden somewhere. Sick, twisted little dork.  
  
I was kind of worried about Seth. He had been kinda sluggish lately, a complete derivation from his normal bubbly, hyper disposition. Man, that boy should have been put on Riddlin years ago. And when he was getting books out of his locker I saw some big, nasty looking bruises on his arm that he says he doesn't remember acquiring. But Seth was a big boy and if he was gonna stay up all night reading Manga and having kinky sex with himself, then he could pay the consequences.   
  
Damn Chemistry. The last five minutes of class always take too freakin' long. I doodled little hearts and stars that I decided to burn later until the bell rang. I gathered my stuff and headed down the hall to the cafeteria for lunch, making a slight detour at Marissa's locker to stuff a short note in the little vent. She had second lunch, so she liked it when I left her notes to read during English. I headed towards the cafeteria doors, expecting Seth to be waiting for me. He wasn't there. A quick glance to my right into the Nurse's office told me why.   
  
Seth was sitting on the edge of the little cot with his head in his hands. My stomach turned and I rushed in and squat in front of him. The nurse didn't stop me and demand I go to class and mind my own business, because she was on the phone.   
  
"Seth. Man, what's up?"  
  
"I don't know, dude," he croaked and looked up. He looked terrible. "I fainted in the hall. I fainted. I'm such a geek."  
  
I raised my eyebrows. "So?" The look on Seth's face told me that wasn't much help. "What's going on? How do you feel?"  
  
"I feel like a truck ran over me. Like, a big U-Haul truck and not one of those small $19.95 ones but the big-ass $39.95 ones."  
  
A small smile tugged at my lips. Man, I love him. Not in a gay way, though.  
  
"What's she doing now?" I asked and nodded in the Nurse's direction.  
  
Seth rubbed his forehead. "Calling my parents. God, I feel like shit." He rubbed his eyes hard. "Wow, is this what it's like feeling high? Cause this is a ridiculously crappy side-effect."  
  
"Light-headed?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"It's okay. I've probably just got the flu."  
  
I heard the nurse hang up the phone and walked back over to us. "Excuse me, what are you doing in here?" she asked me. "Don't you have a class to be getting to?"  
  
"Lunch."  
  
"It's okay. He's my brother," Seth added. I practically saw the skepticism written onto her face in bright pink pen.  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"Adopted."   
  
"Uh-huh. Well, I couldn't get in touch with your mom but your father is on his way. He should be here any second."  
  
"'Kay-whoa." Seth grabbed my arm suddenly.   
  
"You dizzy?" I scrunched my forehead. Something was wrong.  
  
"Yea," he breathed and ran his fingers through his hair.  
  
"Here, lie down," the nurse said and patted the pillow.  
  
Seth groaned. "Man, I already feel the estrogen flowing through my reproductive organs. I don't wanna lie down."  
  
"Come on man," I coaxed him. "I promise you're still just as manly as ever."  
  
"Somehow, not that comforting," he said, but he laid down anyway.  
  
"It'll be okay," I tried to reassure him. "Your dad'll be here soon and then you can go home and watch Fishugi Yugi and eat macaroni and cheese."  
  
Seth closed his eyes. "Okay," he sighed. I watched as, almost immediately, he fell asleep. I sat in the chair up against the wall and waited for Sandy.  
  
"Why don't you go on to lunch?" the nurse asked me and gave me a look that I knew meant "leave. Now."   
  
"I wanna keep an eye on him," I said.   
  
"Why? He'll be fine if you go and Mr. Cohen will be here soon."  
  
I looked at Seth, unsure of why exactly I had to stay in there with a cranky nurse breathing down my neck (I don't know why she hates me.), watching him. Making sure he was okay and not alone.   
  
"Why don't you just go to lunch and hang out with your friends?" she persisted, even picking up my book bag and holding it out.  
  
The words just came to me. I didn't think about them, but I knew after they were out that they were right. It was my reason.  
  
"Because he's my brother."  
  
*  
  
Hope you enjoyed. Read and review, please. More coming soon.  
  
"Seize the moment. Cuz, tomorrow you might be dead."   
  
~Buffy 


	2. Tears and Fears and Summer's punches

Omg tonight's episode was so cute! Okay, not the crap with Marissa and Ryan, that just made me want to ring both their necks. And Luke and Mrs. Cooper! Entertaining: yes. Ew? Definitely. Anyways, I loved the last scene with Seth and Summer. It was so adorable. And Seth and Sandy's "talk" cracked me up. And I also saw "Grind" for the first time. It was better than I expected, and Adam Brody was wonderful. And limber. So anyways, read, review, and enjoy!   
  
***  
  
Sandy arrived about fifteen minutes later, looking slightly frazzled. I assumed he was having a rough day at the office. It seems like all his days are rough. He came into the nurses' office and took a look at Seth, who was still sleeping. He quietly bent over him and ran his hand over Seth's forehead and through his hair. I watched this, slightly puzzled. Like, I couldn't find any particular reason why he would do this one small gesture. It didn't seem that he was checking his temperature (I already knew he didn't have one.); one could believe he was trying to smooth down Seth's psychotically curly hair, but it hasn't happened yet so why try now? We all have accepted by now that Seth's hair has a mind of it's own and it's out to make his life miserable. I figured, after some spacey pondering, that it was a compulsive way of making sure his son was alright, that he was there and okay.   
  
A lot of companionship and understanding existed between Sandy and Seth. Out of the both of his parents, I believed Seth was the most like his father. Aside from being awkward and goofy, Seth also got Sandy's impulsiveness and his open heart. Sandy wanted to change the world himself and I knew Seth did too. Sandy and Seth Cohen were determined to make the world a happier place for all, starting with a lonely kid from Chino.  
  
"Hey," Sandy half-whispered to me. "What's going on?"   
  
I shook my head. "I'm not sure. He fainted in the hallway, I'm guessing after third period."  
  
Sandy scrunched his big-ass bushy eyebrows and wiped at his chin.   
  
"I was on my way to lunch when I saw him in here." I glanced at Seth, sleeping curled in a ball on the cot. "I think he's been feeling a little shotty for a while."  
  
Sandy nodded and wiped his face with both hands. He glanced around the room, looking at Seth one last time. "Yea. I kinda noticed…" he trailed off into a nervous laugh. "I bet Kirsten's going to feel dumb for not letting him stay home today."  
  
I felt the smile coming, but it never really made it's way to my face. A strange feeling of anticipation and fear was working it's way through my stomach. There was absolutely no reason I should be feeling this way. Seth was a perfectly healthy sixteen-year-old; he'd be alright. But I acknowledged that I have an extreme talent for denial, and told myself to shut the hell up.  
  
"Mr. Cohen?" Sandy and I both jumped at the sound of the Nurse's voice.   
  
"Yeah. That's me," Sandy said. "What's going on? What's wrong with Seth?"  
  
"I don't really know, Mr. Cohen. He was brought in by a teacher after having passed out on his way to lunch, and I suspect he's not feeling well."  
  
I raised my eyebrows and Sandy voiced my thoughts with "Nah, really?"  
  
The nurse looked slightly put out, but said nothing. Sandy sighed. "Okay. Umm…I need to…to…check him out?" For some reason, he glanced at me for help.  
  
I nodded. "Good job."  
  
He smiled wryly. "Usually Kirsten's job. Okay. I'll take him over to the doctor."  
  
The nurse nodded. "Just go to the office and check him out and then you can come back and get him."  
  
Sandy nodded and walked over to Seth. He leaned down and put his hand on Seth's shoulder and said into his ear, "Seth? Wake up, man."  
  
Seth stirred and wiped at his nose, and opened his eyes. He took a moment to orient himself, and he stared at Sandy before he registered who he was looking at. "Dad. Hey. What's up?"  
  
I smiled, and I saw Sandy do the same. "Nothin much. How ya feelin?"  
  
Seth closed his eyes and sighed. "Pretty crappy. Told you I should've stayed home."  
  
"I know. Sorry about that. I'm gonna go to the office and get you checked out, and I'll be right back." Sandy left. I looked at Seth as he struggled to wake up. He wiped at his eyes and yawned, then blinked a couple times to clear his sight.   
  
"You alright?" I asked.  
  
"Yea, I suppose." He rubbed at his forehead and I noticed the nurse had disappeared. I looked at Seth good and hard. I was worried. This odd young man had become my best friend, brother, and my…I don't know…lifeline, I guess. I couldn't conceive of what I would do without him, and I wondered every day how I'd survived the first sixteen years of my life alone. Then Seth sat up and I released a stream of hysterical laughter at the red imprints all over the left side of his face.  
  
"What?" Seth asked, confused.   
  
I laughed. And laughed. And laughed. I couldn't stop and I couldn't think.  
  
"What?" he asked frantically.   
  
I laughed some more. I couldn't help it. All the tension I was feeling was releasing itself in the most random way possible.   
  
"You know what? You are a…a…" He struggled to find some way to insult me and pointed his finger at me. I laughed harder.   
  
"Shut up! You're such a poophead!"  
  
I rolled off the chair onto the floor, and Seth flopped back onto the pillow.  
  
"Life sucks."  
  
***  
  
After I helped Sandy get Seth to the car in his sleep-and-pain-induced stupor, I went to the cafeteria for the remaining ten minutes of lunch to grab something to eat. I was in line when I was rudely punched in the shoulder.  
  
"Hey, Chino! Where the hell have you been? Where's Cohen?"  
  
I turned around and found Summer, glaring at me with fierce brown eyes. I was beginning to understand why Seth feared her so much.  
  
"Uh, Seth's sick. Sandy came to take him to the doctor."  
  
Summer's face fell. "Oh. Well, is he okay?"  
  
I looked at her, trying to find my words. I wasn't sure what I thought, so I couldn't even decide whether to tell her the truth. I just didn't know.  
  
"Um, he was pretty sick, but I'm sure he'll be okay."  
  
Summer stared at me, searching for the truth. Ultimately, she nodded and shrugged. "Okay. Well, I guess I should ask Ms. McCloud for his homework."  
  
I nodded. "Yea, good plan."  
  
  
  
After school, Summer, Marissa and I met in the parking lot like we do at the end of each school day. I drove Summer home in the Range Rover, insisting that I would have Seth call her when I got home. Then Marissa and I made our way back to the Cohen house. I frowned when I saw that there were no cars in the driveway.  
  
"Huh."  
  
Marissa looked at me. "What's up?"  
  
"I just thought they should be back by now."   
  
I anxiously got out of the car, and Marissa followed. As we were walking up to the front door, I felt Marissa slip her hand in mine. I looked up at her, and she was smiling at me, reassuringly. I felt something inside me lighten.  
  
We walked into the house feeling distinctly like we were standing in the middle of a deserted street in a western. My stomach was doing fun dances inside of me with worry over what could be happening. It had been hours since Sandy left the school with Seth.   
  
"Hey, why don't you see if someone's called?" Marissa suggested, startling me.  
  
I nodded and walked into the kitchen to the answering machine. To my great relief, the red light was blinking. I pressed the button and heard it beep and Sandy's voice come out of the speaker.   
  
"Hey Ryan. Um, it's about…3:40. Look, I'm at the hospital getting Seth checked in…Um, Kirsten's on her way out here, and I'll come home when she gets here. Feel free to fix whatever you want for dinner. See you in a little bit."  
  
My throat went dry and I felt my knees weaken. I heard Marissa inhale slightly. We stood silently for a moment; I'm sure both of us were absorbing the new information and fear was starting to creep up on us.  
  
I cleared my throat. "That's bad right?" I said softly.  
  
Marissa looked at me like she was searching for the right thing to say. She looked back at the answering machine, then back at me. "I'm sure he's alright. We just have to think that, and everything will be okay."  
  
"Why would they need to take him to the hospital if everything were okay?"  
  
Marissa looked down again. "I don't know," she mumbled.  
  
I was cooking lasagna when Sandy walked through the front door at about five o'clock. I nearly dropped the pot of boiling water when he came up behind me and said, "Hey."  
  
"Hey," I responded after regaining my composure. "What's going on? Why did you take Seth to the hospital?"  
  
Sandy walked to the coffee pot, shook it, then put the empty pot back in it's place. "They're going to run some tests to find out what's up."  
  
"Can I go see him?"  
  
Sandy shook his head. "Nah, they gave him something to put him to sleep, so he should be out. You can go see him tomorrow after school."  
  
I swallowed nervously. "Is it something serious?"  
He opened up a cabinet and pulled out the coffee can. He sighed. "They're not sure, and they said not to worry about anything." He poured some coffee in a new filter and started it brewing. Then he looked at me. "And I think we should listen to them."  
  
I wasn't exactly inclined to share Sandy's indifference; in fact, I was quite puzzled. I know Sandy. He's passionate and exciting, and I imagined that if something were wrong with his son, he'd feel a little more strongly about it. I thought he would be worried and pacing around the house, furious with impatience. But he was brewing a pot of coffee, and telling me not to worry. I felt strangely…alone.  
  
"Okay," I said and made my way to the pool house, leaving him to fix his coffee.  
  
Oh yeah; sleep was completely out of the question. Totally wasn't happening. I did nothing but toss and turn and tangle up sheets and then have to rearrange myself. So, at about three o'clock, I gave up. I got up and wandered around the room for a while, trying to find something to keep me entertained.   
  
Nope. Nothin. No comic books to read (I'd read them all), no book (ditto). Nothing. I resigned myself to go inside the house and find something to do. Not Playstation, I'd wake Sandy up and I really wasn't feeling like talking to him again. His laid-back attitude frankly kind of pissed me off. I was ready to rip all my hair out and scream, I was so frustrated. Sandy appeared unfazed.   
  
I made my way into the kitchen to find something to drink, and I heard Sandy's voice coming from inside. I stopped outside the door and listened.  
  
"I know, honey. Do they know for sure? Well, then it might not be it, right? It could be something else. I know, I just… No. No, we shouldn't tell Ryan until we know anything for sure."   
  
My knees almost gave way underneath me. I could feel my heart beating insanely inside my chest. I was now really, truly, scared.  
  
"Yeah, I love you too. See you tomorrow. Bye," he said and hung up the phone. I didn't move, and neither did he. He stood by the phone for a moment, then shuffled back up the stairs to bed. I stood where I was, letting the world spin around me. My fear was starting to consume me entirely. I knew that something was wrong, really wrong, with my brother.  
  
***  
  
Marissa drove me to the hospital the next day after school. Summer demanded to be allowed to go, but since I couldn't bring myself to argue with her, I assumed Marissa talked to her at some point during the day and convinced her to tell me "I um, have to be home. Just have Seth call me, okay?" I was forever indebted to Marissa. I couldn't handle Summer being around; I could hardly deal with Marissa. She had a nervous habit of trying to convince me that everything was okay and nothing was going to go wrong; I believed it was more of a way to convince herself rather than me. It just didn't help either of us at all.  
  
We arrived in the waiting room and found Sandy standing around sipping a cup of coffee.   
  
"Hey, Sandy!" I called and we hurried to him. He almost dropped his coffee on the floor, and I noticed he was shaking. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.   
  
"Hey, kids. How was school?"  
  
"Do they know anything yet?" I asked, completely ignoring his irrelevant question. Sandy lowered his eyes to the floor and tapped his finger on his cup. The look he had in his eyes when he looked back up at me was enough to make me want to grab him by the shoulders and shake everything out of him. But, "less violence" was the New Year's resolution that Seth and Summer picked out for me. I swallowed hard and asked, "What is it?"  
  
Sandy put his free hand on my arm. "Why don't you two sit down?" he said and tried to lead me to a chair.   
  
I shook his hand off. "No," I said just a wee bit too loud. I glanced around and lowered my voice. "Tell me what's going on."  
  
Sandy looked at me. Not at me, but, I think, into me. Wondering what he should tell me. He put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. He opened his mouth, and I felt my heart pump louder.  
  
"Seth has leukemia."  
  
I stared at him. He stared at me. I felt my stomach turn and I very nearly lost my balance. Had it not been for Sandy's grip on my shoulder and Marissa's arm around my waist, I'm fairly positive I would have fallen flat on the floor. My brain couldn't connect with what Sandy had just said to me. Seth, my brother, had…  
  
"I think I want that chair now," I said quietly. Sandy and Marissa helped me to get my body to move to a chair across the room. I leaned my head back against the wall and closed my eyes. I was positive I had to be dreaming.  
  
"Ryan?"   
  
I looked at Marissa. She hand tears in her eyes. I took her hand in mine.  
  
"Ryan, you shouldn't panic. The doctor said that leukemia is not as frightening as it used to be and many people who are treated nowadays do just fine."  
  
I turned and looked Sandy in the eye. "Seth has cancer."  
  
Sandy looked shocked, then nodded. "I know." I saw a tear slip down his cheek. We sat in silence for a few moments, the three of us lost in our own fears.  
  
I suddenly looked around. "Where's Kirsten?"  
  
Sandy broke himself out of his stupor and said, "Oh, right. She's in there with Seth right now." He looked at me and rubbed my shoulder. "I think you should go see him now."  
  
I nodded and tried to show my thanks through my eyes. I'm not really a word person, as if no one could tell. Marissa stood with me. I turned to her and took hold of both of her hands. "I-I think I need to talk to him alone, for a minute."  
  
I pleaded with her through my eyes to understand. And she did. She nodded and said, "Yeah. Go ahead and see him. I'll just wait here."  
  
"Thanks," I whispered. Sandy led me down the hall to Seth's room, his hand reassuringly on my shoulder the whole time. We came to the door, room 217b, and stopped. Sandy and I looked at each other. He put his hand on the door and I almost collapsed. But for Seth, I had to go in. He opened the door and peeked inside.   
  
"Hey," Sandy said, a little too cheerfully. "Someone's here to see you."  
  
I walked in the room and saw Seth sitting cross-legged on the bed with a comic book in his lap. Kirsten was sitting on the edge looking teary and red-faced. An overwhelming feeling of relief surged through me when Seth flashed me an albeit tired smile. "Hey dude. What's up?"  
  
I couldn't stop myself from grinning. Seth's lispy voice was so comforting. "Nothing much."   
  
"Oh man, I'm having a blast. A couple of the hoes just left. Big ol' ladies who enjoy kinky stuff like poking me with needles, and I'm sure I saw Bertha carrying a set of handcuffs in her scrubs."  
  
I laughed while Kirsten said "Seth, don't say 'hoe'," and sniffled.   
  
Sandy cleared his throat. "Uh, Kirsten and I are gonna go get some more coffee, so we'll leave you two alone."  
  
He waved his hand to Kirsten and she followed him out of the room only after smoothing down Seth's curls and kissing him on the forehead. "I'll be right back, sweetie."  
  
"Take your time," he said quietly. After Kirsten and Sandy exited the room, Seth rubbed at his head, messing up his newly flattened hair. He looked at me and smiled. "Come sit down man. My digs are sweet."   
  
I came further into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. I looked at him, and tried to smile like I meant it. My eyes were beginning to itch.   
  
Seth just looked at me smiling. He broke the silence. "So, they tell me I have leukemia," he said matter-of-factly. I just stared at him, his bluntness startling me. "I've heard nice things about this chemotherapy stuff. Heard it takes all of your hair out. Not a problem, my hair has it in for me anyways. Hey! But I read somewhere that sometimes the hair grows back different than it was before. Maybe my hair will grow back like yours: blond and straight. Friendly hair. Not hair that hates it's owner who's very nice and good to them. What do you think?"  
  
He looked at me with a desperate and yet innocent look in his eyes. He wanted me to laugh at him, to forget all the worries that I was feeling. I felt a sense of failure, because I couldn't. I couldn't stop and laugh at Seth's babbling. Because I was too scared. I just felt terror inside me. And tears started to escape my eyelids.  
  
Seth looked at me, pleading with me to laugh. When my tears began to fall, he shook his head. Like he wanted me to stop. "No…" he said. "No, don't…"  
  
"Seth…" I began and grabbed his hand. He tried to pull away, but I held on. My biceps are bigger. I looked in his eyes and saw a desperate grasp on composure. He was holding on tight to his pain, not letting it out, and my tears were drawing it out of him.  
  
"No, Ryan," he said firmly. I began to pull him towards me and I saw his tears dropping. "Stop," he whispered. He looked me in the eyes, pleading with me. Before I thought I couldn't take the look in his eyes anymore, he broke down. He started sobbing desperately and put his face in his hands. When I pulled at him again, he willingly came and buried his face in my shoulder. He wrapped his slender arms around me and cried everything out to me.   
  
"It's okay, man," I whispered in his ear and rubbed circles on his back. I could taste the salt from my tears in my mouth.  
  
Through Seth's hysterical sobbing, I heard him moan, "I'm so scared."  
  
I squeezed him tighter, clinging to him like my arms were the only thing keeping us both from drowning, and let him keep on crying. "I know. I know, buddy." I closed my eyes and pictured his smile in my head; it kept me from caving in on myself.   
  
"Me too."  
  
***  
  
Okay, how ya like it? Thank you so much for everyone who reviewed, I appreciate it so much. And "Anonymous," you hit it on the nose didn't you? Nice. And just in case anyone was confused, Sandy wasn't really indifferent, he was just trying not to worry Ryan and really himself. I don't know if I cleared that up, cuz ya'll know I suck. But anyways, review and make me giddy. 


	3. Two Seths for Sandy

Hello all! Thank you, thank you sooooo much for all of the wonderful reviews you've given me. Now, The majority of this story will be told from Ryan's point of view, but this chapter will be told from Sandy's point of view and I plan to have one told by Summer and possibly Marissa if I can come up with anything. This story is supposed to explore what they all mean to each other and I think Ryan and Seth are starting to discover how important they are to each other. Anyways, enjoy! Read, review, and oh! Yeah, I don't own nothing. (always forget that one.)  
  
***  
  
1986  
  
I had resorted to counting the flecks on the tile floor. I don't do patience well. I have very little, actually. And you wouldn't believe how little pacing actually helps. My lack of patience was the reason I decided to marry my wife two weeks after I proposed. The reason I was born three weeks early and took one hour of labor to come out. It was the reason I wanted to have children right after Kirsten and I got married.  
  
  
  
Apparently, my new son was following in my footsteps.  
  
It wasn't time yet. The baby wasn't due for another month and a half, but so he appears. And it wasn't going so well. I had been kicked out of the room a while ago and they had taken Kirsten in for a C-section. There were complications, but I really didn't think to ask what. All I knew was that my wife and my child were in trouble and I, Sandy Cohen, Big Kahuna that knew everything (yes I do), could do absolutely nothing.  
  
  
  
It was a very unsettling thought. Kirsten hadn't been ready to have children, as opposed to me and my burning need to get started right away. But once she became pregnant, she had started glowing with the brightness of a perfectly ready mother. We bought the crib and the cute onesies from Baby Gap and prepared for our bundle of joy. But now, in his impatience to come out and be with us, I was afraid we were going to lose him.  
  
  
  
I didn't want to lose him. The last person I had lost had been my best friend, Seth. He had been like a brother to me for nearly ten years. The last day I had seen him, he told me that no one in the world had ever meant more to him and that I was his hero. Then he got into his car and hours later his mother called and told me he had died in a car accident. I was heartbroken, losing someone who meant that much to me. I wasn't sure I could handle one more loss.  
  
I also had big plans for my son. Maybe he would be athletic…play sports…we could work on cars together…less Jewish. I was Jewish, and you could so tell. Or, maybe he would be different; like comic books like me, or like music like his mother. I just prayed to God that the poor kid wouldn't be cursed with my curly hair. But all that didn't matter now. I just needed someone to come tell me that my kid was okay.  
  
  
  
As if they could hear me think, Kirsten's doctor entered the waiting room. "Mr. Cohen?"  
  
"Yep. That's me. How's Kirsten?"  
  
  
  
The doctor smiled and said, "She's doing just fine."  
  
I swallowed. "And the baby."  
  
  
  
The doctor's smile shrunk a little. "Your son is in incubation. He's very small and he's having trouble breathing. But I'm very confident that he will be just fine very soon."  
  
I just looked at him. Okay, I can deal with this. Captain Optimist was taking over, and I thought 'okay. He said he'll be fine.' Yea. My baby would be fine.  
  
I made my way down the hall towards the nursery preparing to meet my son, knowing, or more accurately, hoping, that everything would be okay.  
  
***  
  
2004  
  
  
  
I had expected that people would ask me the question. Seth was my son, after all. And I figured no one would go to Kirsten. She was too fragile, too hysterical about Seth's condition. I think that everyone knew that if they asked her, she would have thrown a fit and told everyone that they were crazy for even thinking such a thing. But I was the man, I was more stable, and I guess they figured I would tell the truth.  
  
I was surprised at how startled I wasn't when the first ones asked me. It was a day or so after the diagnosis when Seth's friends started coming to see him. Ryan, Marissa, Luke, and Anna came to visit after school. While Ryan, Marissa, and Luke were making their way down the hall to Seth's room, Anna pulled me aside and danced around the question in a polite manner fitting to her personality.   
  
"So, what do you think is going to happpen?" she asked.   
  
I looked at her and shrugged. "Um, chemo. Pretty much. We found the disease fairly soon, so that's good."  
  
She narrowed her eyes at me. "Do…you think it's going to work?"  
  
I nodded. "Yeah, sure."  
  
She seemed to accept this answer. Then she turned around and followed the other three into Seth's room. I sighed.   
  
Anna was slightly more difficult than Luke was earlier. He, possessing nothing that could be vaguely referred to as tact, came right out and asked, loudly, while Ryan and I explained what was going on.   
  
"Dude, Mr. Cohen, is he gonna die?"  
  
Marissa gasped, Ryan looked frozen, and Anna rolled her eyes. Marissa then slapped Luke fairly hard in the head and practically yelled, "Ass! Of course not! Why the hell would you ask that?"  
  
Then Marissa looked slightly taken aback by her own forwardness. Ooh, Potty mouth Cooper. Never would have guessed. Then she looked back at me with an earnest look in her eyes, a plea for me to back her up.   
  
Luke was a piece of cake. The completely random and blunt way he asked just added a sense of annoyance and, in a sick twisted way, humor.  
  
"Of course he'll be fine, Luke. You kids don't worry."   
  
I saw Ryan glance at me and then look back down at the ground. I averted my eyes too; I wasn't sure why, but it was hard to look him in the eyes at that moment. So I looked back at Marissa and smiled reassuringly. With a mother like Julie Cooper, she needed all the support she could get.  
  
  
  
I also figured on Seth asking me himself. He was a very smart young man, and he was also forward and curious. It was on an afternoon right after he started chemotherapy, so he was tired and sore and sick. I entered his room at about 3:45, expecting Ryan to be in there (he was every day after school.) and stopped immediately.   
  
The sight before me nearly launched me into a giggle fit ending in tears. Seth was lying on the bed, sleeping, with a comic book opened across his chest. Ryan was stretched out with his head at the foot of the bed and his feet crossed and resting next to Seth's arm. I heard the extremely obnoxious snoring coming from underneath the exact same comic book Seth had, draped across his face. I had to squeeze my eyes shut for a moment so I could walk across the room to the pair without my laughter startling them awake.   
  
I gently shook Ryan's shoulder. Except, he was so sound asleep that I had to shake him hard and yell his name before he jerked awake and the comic book fell to the floor, revealing Ryan's startled face.   
  
"W-what…" Ryan wiped at his arms and cleared his throat, then looked worriedly over at Seth. "What's up? Is…"  
  
I almost giggled. "Nothing. Nothing at all. I just came to check in on you guys."  
  
Ryan looked around the room, then back at Seth, and then stretched. "Um, we're fine. Seth was feeling kinda crappy, so he dozed off. Apparently, I followed suite."  
  
"Apparently." I looked at Seth. He looked fairly pale. Then I noticed the comic book on his chest. I looked down at the one by my feet and pointed. "Um, exactly why did you two both invest money in the exact same comic book when you could just borrow each others?"  
  
Ryan looked down and picked up the comic. He shrugged. "It's just something we could do together."  
  
I stared at him. "Together? Okay, so you're going to both read. Not communicating, just reading. To be together." I'm assuming I displayed my confusion through my face.  
  
"Oh. Um, we had this thing where we'll read it to ourselves and when something happens we discuss."  
  
I was still not seeing the purpose, and I'm guessing Ryan could tell because then he said, "Never mind. It's just something stupid we do."  
  
"No! No, it's just…"  
  
Searching for the right word became unnecessary because we were both startled by Seth making a small noise as he woke up. He rubbed his nose and mumbled before he opened his eyes and looked, first at the ceiling, then around to Ryan and me. "Hey, Dad. What's up?" he croaked.  
  
"Ah, nothing. Just getting the shimmy on the new diggy thing you cats do for fun."  
  
Yeah, that was really trying too hard.   
  
Even though Seth had a hard time keeping his eyes even slightly open, him and Ryan both stared at me. Wow, I felt old.  
  
"Dad, I needn't even grace that with a retort."  
  
"'Retort.' Good vocab, man," Ryan said and Seth nodded his head in appreciation. Then Seth bit his lip and closed his eyes, looking strained.  
  
"Seth?"  
  
He shook his head and then sighed. "I'm okay. Just feelin a little barfy."  
  
Ryan looked like he was going to panic. I just moved next to Seth and rubbed back his hair in a (hopefully) comforting manner. He then proceeded to rub his hand through it, subconsciously making sure it was still flying free through his head. "It'll get better. Just wait." I wasn't exactly sure if that was true, but it seemed to be the right thing to say.  
  
Seth nodded. We all stood there uncomfortably for a moment, Seth appearing to be trying desperately to hold in his cookies and stay awake, Ryan trying to keep an inconspicuous eye on him, and me, just standing around I'm sure looking like an idiot. Right when I thought we all couldn't take it anymore, I said to Ryan, "Hey, Ryan?"  
  
I could practically see the struggle to peel his eyes off Seth. "Yea?"  
  
"Could you go down to the cafeteria and get me a Mountain Dew, please?"  
  
Ryan slowly nodded, glanced once more at Seth, and headed out the door, not before saying to him, "I'll be right back."  
  
Seth nodded. "'Kay."  
  
Once Ryan was out of the room, I looked hard at Seth. He looked very pale and sick. We all knew what chemo would do to him, but I don't think any of us were quite ready for it. Especially Seth. But he was definitely a trooper. He was being very brave through the whole thing. He hadn't cried since that first day with Ryan, when I walked into the room to find him sound asleep with dried tear streaks on his red face. Ryan was watching him, with his tears dripping onto Seth's bed sheets. Since then, Seth had put on a brave face for I'm assuming everyone except Ryan, and Ryan had devoted every free moment he had to hanging out with Seth. The bond between the two of them astounded me, considering the fact that for the first sixteen years of his life, Seth had no one. And now he had the kind of friend that I had and that I'd always wished he could have.   
  
"So how're you doing, Seth?"  
  
He shrugged and licked his lips. "I'm alright. Today has been better than most."   
  
I nodded. "That's good."  
  
  
  
I stood there for a moment, not knowing what to say. I glanced up at the T.V., seeing an old episode of "Roseanne." I laughed to myself, remembering Seth's bizarre obsession with the sitcom. I became engrossed myself watching the episode, when I heard Seth ask me. Very quietly, so that I wasn't quite sure he had asked.   
  
I looked at him. "What?"  
  
I noticed him swallow and twiddle with the plastic bracelet on his wrist. He didn't look up. "Am I going to die?"  
  
My breath caught in my throat, and I'm pretty sure I made a strangled-sounding noise. I had prepared for the possibility that Seth would ask me, but it was still like a punch in the nose. I took a deep breath and placed my hand on his shoulder.   
  
  
  
"Look at me, Seth."  
  
He resisted. He didn't want me to see his face. But he looked up anyway, and I stared at him for a moment, taking in his dimpled chin, his soft eyelashes, and his gentle brown eyes. And his full head of curly brown hair, something I hoped against hope didn't go away. He gazed up at me, awaiting my answer, and I suddenly became harshly aware of just how young he was. 'God,' I thought, 'this isn't fair.'  
  
I placed my hand on the side of his head and ran my fingers through his curls. "No," I said simply.  
  
He looked down at his hands and shook his head. "You…you don't know that."  
  
I nodded. "Yes I do. You are going to be fine. You're going to brave this whole treatment and you'll come through good as new. And then you'll read comic books and chase Summer around and graduate high school and have a good life. You're going to be just fine."  
  
Seth stared down at his hands for a moment. The he looked up, and I saw just the slightest glisten of tears in his eyes. I waited, hoping he'd buy what I'd said, because I needed one of us to believe it completely. Then he nodded and gave me his best attempt at a smile. "Yea. You're probably right. What good is worry gonna do, huh?"  
  
I knew he was fronting, but I said nothing. I just gave him my best smile, and then Ryan came back in the room and I sat there watching "Roseanne" while the two of them read their comic book, stopping occasionally to discuss some plot twist.  
  
***  
  
So, I dealt with Luke, Marissa, Anna, even Seth asking me the inevitable question. They all feared the worst happening, but they all needed me to reassure them otherwise. It didn't matter whether I was telling the truth or not, they just needed to hear the answer they wanted. But one person I didn't prepare for; the one person I never thought would ask.   
  
I was sitting on the couch at about three in the morning reading, waiting for Ryan to come home. It was a few weeks later, and I knew that Seth had finally talked him into going out with Marissa and Luke and taking a break from "baby-sitting" him, as Seth put it. Neither Seth nor Ryan quite understood it, but I knew why Ryan spent so much time just being with Seth. He needed to be near, because I knew that he was afraid.   
  
But Ryan was pushing it, being out as late as he was. I thought to myself that I had enough worries with my son's cancer, much less my adopted son that couldn't keep himself in line. Then I felt absolutely horrible about my thoughts, and kicked myself repeatedly for them. I knew that Ryan was having as hard a time as anyone, but it was hard not to feel self-involved.   
  
I heard noise coming from the pool house, and I, assuming that Ryan was trying to sneak in and doing a very poor job of it, went outside. When I entered the pool house, I saw Marissa and Luke leading a very disoriented and very obviously intoxicated Ryan to his bed.  
  
"What the hell is going on?"  
  
Luke jumped, and Ryan flopped on his bed and grinned. "Hey, Sandy," he slurred. "What's up?"  
  
"I think that's something I should be asking you," I said calmly and crossed my arms.   
  
Luke looked at me helplessly. "I'm sorry Mr. Cohen. We went to a party and kind of got split up. When I found them again, they were both trashed."   
  
Them. I looked at Marissa and could tell that she was quite inebriated, also. I shook my head and sighed. "Have you been drinking Luke?"  
  
He shook his head. "Nah. I really couldn't; I had my hands full with these two."  
  
I nodded. "Okay. Well, if you'll take Marissa home, I'll take care of Ryan." Ryan was starting to drift off to sleep with his nose buried deep in his pillow.  
  
"Thank you, Mr. Cohen. Tell Seth tomorrow that I'm going to stop by after soccer practice," he said and headed out of the pool house with Marissa.  
  
I nodded and made my way over to Ryan. He was snoring quite loudly into his pillow, the sound muffled. I gazed at him, and in a gesture that I had just realized I did with Seth all the time, I rubbed back his hair. I've never understood why I do it, it just always felt like I needed to. The feel of my son's hair was comforting, just as the feel of Ryan's was. But, then again, Ryan was my son now. But he did have thinner hair.  
  
I sighed and moved to the foot of the bed to take his shoes off. I had untied the laces when I heard him stop snoring and move. I looked up at him, and he was sitting up with tears streaming uncontrollably down his face. He was crying so hard that he was hiccupping. I scrunched my enormous eyebrows, confused, and moved to sit on the bed next to him.   
  
  
  
"Ryan? What is it? Did something happen?"  
  
Ryan shook his head, hiccupped, and looked me directly in the eyes. "Is Seth going to die?"  
  
I was pretty positive my entire body shut down at that moment. I had never expected Ryan to ask me the question. I figured that he had been thinking about it, but Ryan would never ask. It just wasn't his nature. He would worry over it forever and never ask, always trying to convince himself what I had been telling everyone else. That Seth would be perfectly okay.  
  
But the look in his crystal blue eyes was heartbreaking. I knew that this boy didn't want my generic, rehearsed answer. His entire life was built on lies, and I knew that he didn't want me to lie to him. He wanted to know whether I really thought Seth would die.   
  
But, how do you tell a young man that you had absolutely no idea whether his only true friend in the world would survive to see adulthood? I looked into Ryan's eyes; I followed the stream of tears flowing down his red cheeks, and I shrugged.   
  
It was a helpless, almost hopeless, defeated shrug, and the only thing I could think of. I couldn't lie to him. "I don't know," I said. Ryan closed his eyes, then put his face in his hands and his shoulders began to shake. I hesitantly put my arms around him, and thankfully, he accepted me. He wrapped his arms around my waste and he mumbled something into my shoulder.   
  
"What was that?" I asked.  
  
He lifted his head and looked me in the eye. "What do I do then?" He wiped at his nose. "What do I do if he doesn't get better?"  
  
I sighed and closed my eyes. I wasn't sure what to say to that, so I just opened my mouth and prayed that the inner lawyer would take over. "You'll love him. No matter what; if he outlives everyone or if he dies tomorrow, you'll love him. Because that's all anyone needs."  
  
I waited for Ryan to say something. I needed him to accept my answer, so I could start believing it. And he did. He nodded and lay back down, and within minutes, he was asleep. When I saw his breathing even out, I let my tears fall freely down my face.  
  
***  
  
1986  
  
I walked into Kirsten's room quietly. My son was a few days old, and he was okay. He was a fighter; I could tell. He'd be okay. I saw Kirsten sitting in her bed, holding him. I marveled at his full head of dark hair and his large, curious eyes. I smiled every time I thought of his name, and Kirsten screaming it in labor, and her telling me after she was done with surgery that she thought the name suited him. I agreed of course, feeling like a little piece of my best friend would always be around. I hoped Seth had a Seth of his own someday.   
  
"Hey, Sweetie," Kirsten said brightly.   
  
I smiled and moved closer to her and looked down at my son. Kirsten handed him to me, and I took him, feeling the weight of his small body in my arms. A certain feeling gushed through me, one that I shared with him out loud.  
  
  
  
"Nope. Definitely not a football player."  
  
***  
  
Okay, phew! Sorry it took a while, I was busy with school. I am but a lowly high school student (Senior, though, whooooo!). About the timeline, I know this doesn't match up; I realized I wasn't lining up, but I figured it was okay. It's just kind of weird with Seth and Summer together, (oh yea, I haven't really mentioned that. Oops.) But Anna's still there. And Ryan and Marissa are together. Just try to ignore it. And if you're wondering why Summer isn't around, you'll find out soon. Tell me what you think of this chapter. I believe the next chapter will resume Ryan's pov. Thank you sooooo much from the bottom of my heart for the excellent reviews you guys have given me. I love you guys so much. 


	4. Flying Boogers and Creepy Little Green H...

I don't own nothing, but I'd like to have Mr. Brody. How bout rent him? I'd like to…do things with him. Mwhooohahaha! Anyway, this chapter returns to Ryan's point of view. Enjoy!  
  
All my sincerest gratitude to Molly. You've been a great source of encouragement for me and I can't wait to see your story posted. Thanks so much!  
  
*****  
  
"Rainbows are lame."  
  
I shook my head and did a double take out of my wistful pondering. "Huh?"  
  
Seth didn't look at me; he stared curiously at the wall of the pediatric floor's hall. The wall had a big, bright rainbow with a pot of gold at the end of it painted on it. A desperate attempt to bring some cheer to the dreary white-ness of the hospital. "Look at it," he said and pointed. I looked hard at the rainbow, trying desperately to get his point.   
  
A moment of looking, and I was unsuccessful. "What are you talking about?"  
  
He sighed and rolled his eyes, like I was some sort of imbecile because I didn't know what the hell he was rambling about. Like it was something new that I didn't understand what he was saying.   
  
"Rainbows are never that bright. They're always dull pastel colors and they do absolutely nothing to brighten up the sky after it rains and of course they don't even begin to make up for the damn ark and what rainbow have you ever seen with pink in it?"  
  
I eyed him. I desperately tried to see the point of all that, but I had resigned myself to the fact that Seth was…different. No one would ever fully understand the way he works, though I'd like to believe I came closer than most.   
  
"That's…interesting."  
  
  
  
Seth nodded and gazed back at the wall. He seemed off in SethLand, as we have all come to call it. "Leprechauns used to freak me out as a child. I think it was the little green hats. Or that horror movie, I'm not sure."  
  
Seth and I had taken a walk around the hospital. The doctor said it would be good for him, to get his circulation flowing. Plus, I could tell he was bored out of his mind. Only Seth would have time to be bored with all of his pain and misery. I gazed at him sadly. He was extremely pale, and sick, and his curly brown hair I could tell was beginning to fall out. It was thinning, though I think he was hoping none of us had noticed. I was also aware that I was probably the only person who knew exactly how much Seth was struggling. I knew that the chemo was painful, and he was holding on harder than I could imagine. He was barely able to walk a few feet down the hall without me having to hold him upright. But he didn't complain, at all. I was quite proud of him.  
  
Seth looked down at the floor, his pathetic attempt at looking casual. "So…have you, uh, seen Summer?"  
  
I swallowed. "Uh, I've seen her around school some."  
  
  
  
"Did you talk to her?"  
  
I lowered my eyes. "No." Not only was Seth suffering through cancer treatment, but his heart was breaking. I had never been more pissed at someone in my entire life than I was at Summer Roberts. She hadn't seen or spoken to Seth since I called her and told her that he had leukemia on that first day. I didn't know why she was avoiding him, but I couldn't believe she was being so selfish. It was hurting him so much; he needed the support. God knows why, but he loved her.  
  
Seth nodded, but the hurt in his eyes was blaringly evident. I put my hand on his shoulder in a hopefully comforting way. "You okay?"  
  
"Yeah. She's probably just really busy, right?" He searched my eyes hopefully, waiting for me to confirm his excuse. I just nodded. I wasn't going to be the one to tell him that the love of his life was a cold-hearted bitch who wanted nothing to do with him. She could do that herself. Her and I needed to have a talk.  
  
Seth was tired. He was barely functioning on the higher levels. The short walk we took down the hall, to the elevator, and down the pediatric hall was enough to leave him exhausted. He just stood with a shaky grip on my arm and stared at the wall. He seemed to be searching the wall for something; like the wall held the answers to all of his questions. But, I knew, it was just an overly bright rainbow painted on a wall, where someone had stuck their gum on the red stripe and someone had written "Jen McGoun is a SLUT" in the middle of the big yellow sun.   
  
I realized that Seth's shaky hand was vibrating my arm. I looked up at him, and, seeing, him breathing hard and looking very pale, I said, "Hey, do you think you've had enough walk for today?"  
  
Seth shook his head. "No… I want to stay out here. I think I'm becoming claustrophobic from my damn room." He continued to search the wall, looking slightly desperate this time. He was clinging to something, and going back to his room would be letting it go.  
  
I wanted more than anything to collapse into a heap on the floor with him and cry. I wanted to crack as much as I knew he did, but for the sake of each other, we held on. But, although we stood strong, neither of us would front. Every night when I had to go back home, I would wake Seth up if he was asleep (which was most of the time) and we would have a moment to talk and say good-night to each other. Then I would hug him, and I would feel his weak yet desperate grip on me, and I would feel my fear nag at me. I didn't know exactly how we both became so dependent on each other, but I knew that there was nothing I wouldn't do if it would make him okay again.  
  
Seth's trembling was starting to pick up more and I was beginning to get worried. I took his clammy hand in mine and moved it off my arm. He finally looked at me. "I think I should be getting you back to your room."  
  
Seth started to protest, but I shook my head. "Seriously, dude, if you don't get back to bed soon, you're going to fall into a nasty pale heap on the floor and die and I don't wanna have to explain that to your mom. She might get mad at me, or something."  
  
Seth eyed me humorously. "Ryan Atwood, you're becoming hilarious. I fear for my status as 'the funny one' in the family."  
  
We turned and I led him down the hall towards the elevator with my arm wrapped around his waist and his arm around my shoulders. "You should be. Pretty soon you and your mom will be telling each other Knock-knock jokes for laughs."  
  
Seth made a disgusted look and I grinned. He was one of a kind.   
  
As soon as we got into the elevator, Seth moved to the back and leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. All the energy that had previously made up Seth Cohen was draining away. All he ever did was sleep and puke some. I had seen more of Seth's meals than I think he had recently. And there wasn't much food in the vomit mixture since he didn't really eat much. His appetite was virtually gone, and the chemotherapy had affected his taste buds. The sight of his thin, trembling body made me hurt for him.  
  
When the elevator stopped on the oncology floor, I practically had to wake Seth up and drag him out. I took a hold of him and we made our way down the hall to his room.   
  
Seth sighed. "I'm so tired. I just wanna lie down with Captain Oats and-" We stepped in the room and stopped. We were greeted by the presence of Marissa and Luke.  
  
Marissa smiled a little too brightly. "Hey, guys! How's it going?"  
  
"Uhh…good," Seth said, more than a little surprised by the unexpected visit. Marissa and Luke both grinned at us expectantly, and I'm sure both me and Seth were a little disappointed. The nap we were both craving appeared like it wasn't happening.   
  
"Seth, man, I brought you some homework." I looked at Luke and saw he was holding The Great Gatsby and a Calculus book. Homework. Yay.  
  
"Thanks," Seth replied halfheartedly. I glanced at him and, noticing his shaky knees, tried to lead him to sit on the bed. I was a little started when he shook me off, and made his way unsteadily to the bed alone. He avoided looking in the direction of Luke and Marissa, and they lowered their eyes. Ah, Cohen pride. I had begun to believe there was no such thing.   
  
Marissa looked around nervously, and I suddenly became aware of the fact that she was wearing a pink and white striped dress. The same dress, in fact, that she had been wearing when we broke her out of here a few months ago.  
  
Apparently, Seth noticed too. "That's an, uh, interesting dress there, Marissa."  
  
Marissa finally looked at Seth, smiled, and glanced down at her dress. "Yeah. I decided to volunteer. Summer's done it for years, so-" She cut herself off, and glanced at Luke. Apparently they both realized she'd slipped up and said the 'S' word.   
  
I looked at Seth, but he was just sitting on the bed and playing with the bed sheet. Whether Marissa's mention of Summer effected him or not, he wasn't showing it.   
  
We all just kind of stood there for a moment, avoiding eye contact with each other. An awkward silence fell over us, when I could tell all Seth wanted to do was curl up into a ball and fall asleep.   
  
Seth, of course, broke the silence with "So, you're volunteering? How very charitable of you."   
  
The sarcasm was blaringly evident, no matter how veiled it was. Seth's wit was his ultimate defense against pain. I had my fists, Seth had his humor.   
  
Marissa blushed, and Seth looked ashamed. "Sorry, that came out wrong."  
  
Marissa shook her head and forced a smile. "No. No problem. I just thought, maybe I would get to see you more often. You know, a friendly face here might be good."  
  
I watched as Seth mustered up as much enthusiasm as his tired body could. "Great. That'd be cool."  
  
Another uncomfortable silence fell over the room. This time, it was broken by Luke. "Dude, Cohen, guess what happened in English today?"  
  
Luke's overly enthusiastic ear-to-ear grin I guess must have cracked Seth, since we both were aware of the nature of Luke's sense of humor. "What happened in English today, Ward?" Seth mocked subtly.  
  
Luckily, Luke wasn't the brightest crayon in the box. "Aw, it was so cool! Mr. Taylor was yelling at Dan Fields for snapping this girl's bra, and he blew this massive booger out of his nose and it hit the girl right on the forehead. It was sooo funny!"  
  
I had to smile, and I actually heard Seth chuckle. "Oh, man, that's priceless."  
  
Marissa looked slightly disgusted, but she smiled too. It was good to have friends, and I was glad Seth had more than just me now.   
  
But I noticed Seth's eyelids drooping and his face looking strained. I tried to catch Marissa's eye in hopes that she would take the hint. She looked at me, then grabbed Luke's arm and said, "Well, we need to get going. I have a lot of homework to do."  
  
Luke looked confused, but once he saw me he nodded with understanding and said, "Oh! Yeah, I've got…uh…stuff…"   
  
Seth once asked me how I convey everything with a look. I wasn't sure, but it had always worked for me.  
  
"Bye, Seth," Marissa said and kissed him on the cheek.   
  
"Bye," he replied through a yawn.  
  
"Later, Cohen." Luke tried a manly handshake that didn't go too well with Seth.  
  
"Bye, man."  
  
I kissed Marissa on her way out, and thanked God that she was able to read me so well. Then I gazed at Seth and watched him slip further towards sleep. I grabbed The Great Gatsby from the chair where Luke had left it and sat in the chair by the bed. I read through the first couple of pages when I heard Seth move. I looked up and he was laying on his side with his hand under his pillow, looking hard at me.   
  
"What?" I asked.  
  
Seth waited a moment before answering, like he was still trying to remember what to say. "Now that Marissa's volunteering as a candy striper, she's going to be seeing me a lot more while I'm in here."  
  
I searched around for his point, but as always came up empty. I should really just stop trying and get straight to the confused part. "Yea…"  
  
Seth rolled his eyes again and sighed. "Yea, and, I'm forever barfing up my orange jell-o and frog intestines they like to call food here. That's kind of embarrassing."  
  
I nodded my understanding. "Ah. Gotcha. But, you know, I've seen you barf many times. I don't care."  
  
"Yeah, but you're different. You've got that manly toughiness thing. This is Marissa Cooper, Princess, we're talking about. The sight of my vomit might be too much for her to handle and she might lose her cookies too. Wouldn't that be fun."  
  
Okay, The Point finally clicked. I nodded, then went back to reading. Sensing, though, that Seth was still watching me, I looked back up. I saw a weird look of pondering on his face.  
  
"What?" I asked again.  
  
"What if she ever has to give me a sponge-bath?"  
  
We both absorbed the prospect, and we equally scrunched up our noses in disgust.   
  
"Ew," we said together.  
  
***  
  
School felt so…wrong, without Seth around. Though we only had French together, it was like you could feel him inside the walls of the school. Seth had kind of an undeniable presence, which made me wonder exactly how he could be so ignored around the school. Or, maybe it was just me and how I felt about him. It was nice to have a best friend. After all those years of living in Chino, I never had someone I could really call a "best friend." I had people to hang out with behind the football field to get high, but I never had someone that would save all his green beans at dinner for me because he knew they were my favorite. I never had someone who, after I FINALLY beat Kingdom Hearts, would make me a funny little Certificate of Achievement as a reward.   
  
Sometimes I wondered how lucky I could be. Even Trey had said that I got another chance. I had a family, a family that actually acted like one. I had a beautiful girlfriend who was sweet and caring and loved me enough to sacrifice everything that had been comfortable and normal in her life. And the most wonderful person in the world was my best friend. We were complete polar opposites. I knew that I had trust issues; I was quiet and withdrawn, but this boy's innocent enthusiasm broke through my shield like no one else ever has. I just couldn't help feeling, maybe it was too good to last, and it was only a matter of time before it all hit the fan.  
  
I was sitting on the steps outside the school, trying hard to get through the first chapter of The Great Gatsby, pondering my new life, when a slim shadow fell over me. I glanced up, and had to suppress a great urge to throw the book at the person in front of me.  
  
I sighed. "What?"  
  
Summer shifted her weight from foot to foot, looking a combination of nervous and impatient, and said, "How is Seth?"  
  
I couldn't stop my jaw from dropping. "What the hell- why do you care?"  
  
Summer rolled her eyes, avoiding looking at me. "I just…" she seemed to look around anywhere but my eyes. "I was wondering if he was okay-"  
  
I started to gather my stuff, not believing she had the nerve to ask me that. "This is bullshit, Summer."  
  
I stood up and tried to walk away, but Summer put her short frame in front of me and tried to look intimidating. I guess she figured if it worked on Seth…  
  
"I want to know how he's doing," she insisted.  
  
"No you don't," I practically yelled. I slung my book bag over my shoulder. "I don't know what you want, but you don't care about how Seth's doing. If you did, you wouldn't have abandoned him."  
  
Seeming to have struck a nerve, Summer looked down at her baby pink Mary Janes. "I didn't abandon him."  
  
I felt anger rise in me that I didn't know I had. "What the hell do you want to call it then? I tell you that your boyfriend has cancer, and you disappear into whatever abyss let's you max out your daddy's credit card with slutty shit you call clothes and completely forget about the one person who thinks there's something worthwhile about you."  
  
Summer continued to stare at the ground. I seriously hoped I had some effect, because it felt really good to hurt her at that moment. "I love Seth; he's wonderful and funny and smart but how the fuck he ever saw something in you, I haven't a clue!"  
  
Summer seemed as shocked as I was at my choice of language, but she still didn't look up. "You're a spoiled little brat who thinks of no one but yourself. I don't understand you Summer! Why do you even pretend to care about Seth?" Summer finally glanced around, noticing the people staring at us, but I didn't care I was making a scene. All of my anger and frustration was pouring out and it was aimed directly at the one person I wanted it to be.  
  
Summer looked guilty, then looked around and noticed the people watching her as they walked by. Then the whiney superficial look found it's way back to her face. "Look, Chino, I have stuff I have to do. My life does not revolve around my boyfriend, like some people." She looked at me pointedly. "I just, you know, wanted to ask how he was."  
  
"Why don't you just go see him? ONCE."  
  
She seemed to try to search for a suitable answer, still looking bratty. "I just… I don't really think he's right for me. He's such a freakin nerd-"  
  
It happened so fast I barely had enough time to stop myself. Summer flinched, then looked at my hand frozen in the air, her mouth hanging open. I stared at her wide-eyed, shocked about what I'd almost done. I was standing mere inches away from her, my flattened palm hovering above her head. I almost hit her. I almost hit a girl.   
  
Summer backed away from me and I slowly lowered my hand. We stared at each other for a moment, both our eyes wide from the shock. Then I opened my mouth to apologize, and she quickly turned around. She moved like she was going to walk away, but she stopped, and I saw her bring her hand up to her mouth. She froze, making no sound or movement, while I waited for her to say something.   
  
It was an excruciating wait until she slowly turned back around, her white pleated skirt swishing slightly. When she faced me again, there were tears streaming steadily down her face. I looked at her, confused at how I could have caused that. I knew it was wrong to hit a girl, but I didn't actually get that far, and I thought Summer was tougher than that. "Summer, I-"  
  
She cut me off by raising her hand. She took a deep breath and wiped away a tear. "I loved my mom, like every girl does, more than anything." She paused, and I wondered exactly what that had to do with anything. "And she left me. She just got up and left. I haven't loved many people in my life, but in my experience, it's kind of a temporary thing."  
  
I hoped my confusion didn't show on my face, because I would hate to be on the wrong end of an infamous Summer rage blackout. But I was intrigued, knowing that Summer never opened up this much, and certainly not to me.   
  
  
  
She shrugged. "What happens if I hang around with Seth, making him feel better, and he just…" She looked like she, like everyone else, couldn't bring herself to say it. But Summer ultimately became Summer, and Summer was fearless. "He just dies. I'm a selfish, spoiled little bitch, so naturally I'm wondering what happens to me." Her voice cracked on the last word, and fresh tears poured out of her eyes. She looked…shocked at her own self-involvement. "Seth is being treated for cancer, and I can't help but think that if it doesn't work, and he dies…" Summer covered her face with her hands, and sank to the ground. "Then I'm going to be left all alone again."  
  
She then began sobbing into her hands. I glanced around the abandoned schoolyard, assuming we'd missed the bell. Oh well, it was just French. French without Seth, and it was pointless.   
  
I didn't know what to say in response to Summer's rant. I felt like I had no business knowing everything she had just confessed to me. But now I felt sympathy for the bitch who was breaking my best friend's heart.   
  
Summer calmed down, and finally looked at me. "I can't feel this way about him. Because he'll just leave me."   
  
She just looked at me, waiting for me to respond. I stared at her pitifully, sitting cross-legged on the sidewalk with her eyes blood-shot and her hair a mess. I'm sure that if I wanted to, I could see her underwear, from the way she was sitting. I wiped the sweat off my chin, and sat down across from her. "I don't know exactly what has happened to you in the past. I know that people have hurt me and left me, and I know how hard it is to love people sometimes. Loving comes naturally to people like Seth." I shook my head. "But not for us. We have to work at it, and it's a give and take thing. It takes risk and sacrifice." I eyed her compassionately. "And I know you love him, all of his geekiness." The smallest hint of a smile showed itself on her face. "And I know you're scared."  
  
I stood up as I shook my head again. "But you can't keep doing this to him. He needs you right now."  
  
Summer looked down at her lap and nodded her head. I gathered my books yet again and shouldered my bag. "You don't have the time to be selfish now."   
  
I walked away towards the main building of the school, leaving Summer sitting sprawled on the ground, thinking about Seth. I left with my anger gone, and my fear just a little bit less.  
  
***  
  
Read. Review. You know the drill, kind people. And thank you once again to Molly. You're so great! 


	5. I Wish I were a horse

I am so deeply sorry it took so long to update. I've just had a lot of stuff going on and not a lot of time to write. I know specifically what's going to happen, so don't worry; I will finish this story, hopefully in a speedy manner. There will only be two more chapters, since I have everything planned and a specific purpose for each chapter, and they will both be from Ryan's point of view, since that's where most of the story comes from. This one, however, is Summer's pov, and I hope you all enjoy it. You are my best inspiration, and of course, an extra thank-you to Molly, for helping me so much. I own nothing, and thanks again!  
  
***  
  
Cohen had insisted I watch Jerry Maguire with him. Apparently, Cameron Crowe was, like, the BEST FILMMAKER EVER! I didn't have a clue who Cameron Crowe was; I agreed because it had Tom Cruise in it. Purrrr. Seth told me that Cameron Crowe "spoke" to people like him, and that I would see what he meant once I saw all of his movies. Well, I saw Say Anything, which was pretty cute, even if the girl was just a tid bit annoying. (Whine much?) And Almost Famous had just a little too much of the music that my dad listened to. New Millennium, Cohen!  
  
But we hadn't made it to Jerry Maguire. I didn't even know what it's about. I just knew Tom Cruise. Sexiness.  
  
The encounter with Ryan was…lot's of things. Weird, Creepy, Enlightening… Whatever. But it changed something for me. It made me realize I was scared of Seth Cohen. Okay, not Seth, but…what Seth could do to me. I had always known that letting someone love you was a risk that I didn't want to take. I think the reason I was okay with being so close to Marissa was because I knew right from the start that I would always love her more than she loved me. I didn't take it personally, either, because I knew that there was no one that Marissa Cooper loved more than Marissa Cooper. Not even Chino. Can't wait till he figures THAT one out.  
  
But Seth Cohen wore his pathetic little bleeding heart on the sleeve of whatever random dork shirt he was wearing that day. I was his Moon and Stars, and that's not conceited, it's just the way it is. For him, I made the sun rise and the world revolve. How do you live up to that?   
  
I decided the best thing to do is not try. Cuz it won't work. You'll suck, and they'll realize this and bail. Even goofy Emo geeks like Seth Cohen. God, he has a cute name. I never noticed that before.  
  
Ew! Shut up! I'm turning into…Coop! I NEVER wanted to turn into one of those giggly freaks who's obsessed with their boyfriend. And then, look what Cohen did to me! Damn it!  
  
Anyway, after Ryan…almost hit me, I sat there, on the sidewalk outside of the school, and cried. (Cohen was already making me cry.) I was… anxious, because I knew now that I'd told Chino everything, it was only a matter of time before I had to suck it up and go see Seth. It's not that I didn't want to see him, it's just that………I…didn't really….want to see him.  
  
What if he was like, on the brink of death, and I hadn't come by in so long that his stink-of-death fuzzied mind didn't recognize me anymore? And he thought I looked ugly and had limp hair and he never wanted to see me again? That might have been stretching it a little, but that was where my mind was wandering sitting on the ground where God and Man I'm sure could see up my skirt.  
  
I felt a rock digging into my thigh, but I couldn't bring myself to move. I wondered how Seth Cohen had become so important to me. I have virtually no childhood memories of him; I spent most of my life trapped in a social bubble that didn't allow nerds like him to intrude. It was hard to admit, but I really wanted to know what he was like as a kid. He knows all these things about me, and I knew nothing about him. And there was no one I could ask; it broke my heart when I realized it, but up until Chino moved in, Seth had no one. No friends, no one but his parents to help him through childhood and adolescence. No one I know remembers him (except Luke; he remembers beating him up a few times), but he was always there. I shuddered when I thought about how lonely he must have been.  
  
My tears fell harder, and a strangled sob escaped my throat. The pain and fear was becoming too much to handle, and I covered my face with my hands. Oh, God, why was I letting this boy do this to me?  
  
I leaned forward, almost burying my face in my lap. I heard footsteps approaching, but I couldn't react. My stomach was cramping up and I thought I was going to hurl.  
  
I heard the person stop right in front of me. They stood there for a moment, and I expected them to say something. Instead, whoever it was shifted until they were sitting on their knees in front of me. I wanted to look up, because my back was hurting, but I only got as far as the person's knees. The bright orange tights and the green skirt was a dead giveaway that it was Anna.  
  
I closed my eyes again, and waited for it. I expected a tongue-lashing to rival Ryan's; I expected Anna to unload all of her jealousy and hatred out on me. What I didn't expect was for her to say nothing.   
  
I heard nothing come out of her mouth, but I saw her hand creep into my line of sight, and she reached out to where my hand was resting on my knee, and she took it in hers. I stared at our hands, gazing at her yellow nail polish. Her fingers were soft and warm, and I felt safer with her holding my hand. I finally looked up at her face, and saw nothing resembling anger; I just saw compassion and… understanding.   
  
Anna stroked my hand with her thumb and fresh tears broke free. I threw away any tiny shred of restraint I was holding onto, and I somehow fell into Anna's arms. I clung to her and I felt her rub my back in a comforting way.   
  
I cried into her shoulder, letting my tears soak her shirt. Why I was finding so much comfort in Anna, I don't know. But her arms were just so warm and inviting. I gripped the fabric of her shirt and sobbed, "This isn't fair."  
  
I felt her sigh, and she replied, "I know it's not."  
  
"Why did this have to happen?"  
  
"You're asking the wrong person, Summer."  
  
I cried my heart out for a moment before my emotions finally let me have some control back. I pulled away from Anna, but she kept a hand on my elbow, as if she was preparing in case I lost it again. I wiped at my eyes and looked at her understanding face. "I'm sorry," I said, not knowing what else I could say.  
  
She smiled a little, and then shook her head. "Thanks, but…you know I'm not the one you should apologize to."   
  
She looked me in the eyes, and I nodded. "I know."  
  
We sat there for a moment in silence, on the dirty sidewalk with a certain curly-headed boy on our minds. "What do you think I should do?" I asked after a while.   
  
Anna looked at me, her eyes twinkling in that way that reminds me how much like Seth she was. It kinda made me jealous. "You're a smart cookie Summer. I'm sure you know."  
  
Then she stood up, patted my arm, and walked away. I slumped my shoulders and stared at the ground. I knew that I had to see him, and I knew it was going to be hard. I instinctively stuck out my lower lip. Then I stood up and walked away from the school, abandoning English. I headed to the video store.  
  
***  
  
The glaringly white walls of the hospital gave me a chill. I hated white. My favorite color was purple, but I was just a general fan of bright colors. There was something exciting and cheerful about them. That's one reason Chino bugged me so much. How many plain white wife-beaters can a man own? But my Cohen was always wearing colorful clothing. He was bright and exuberant and his toothy grin never failed to warm my toes.   
  
I arrived on the oncology floor and made my way down the hall to Seth's room, video in hand. I saw the door was slightly open. As I pushed the door open, my stomach turned. I had no idea what to expect when I walked into the room. It was dark, but a dim light was coming from the wall above the bed. I almost giggled when I saw Ryan sitting asleep in the blue chair next to the bed, The Great Gatsby lying open on his lap. I rolled my eyes when I saw he was only halfway through the first chapter.   
  
  
  
I glanced at the bed, and found it empty. The sheets were rumpled though, and when I sat on the mattress, I found it was still kind of warm. I bit my lip, resigning myself to my last resort, and reached out and shook Chino's shoulder. I shook him harder when he didn't wake up immediately. He was suddenly startled out of sleep, looking around wildly and dropping the book out of his lap. I crossed my arms waiting for him to calm down, and when he did, he looked at me and squinted.  
  
"Summer?" He rubbed his eyes.  
  
"That's me."   
  
Ryan looked around, slightly disoriented, and then looked at me thoughtfully. As if he was suddenly remembering what had happened. "So, you came," he said rather emotionless.  
  
I suddenly found it hard to look in his eyes. I nodded, and hugged myself tighter. "I… realized that…" Wow, this sucked. "You were right."  
  
I knew that the bastard wanted to smirk. I just knew it. But of course, he didn't. Chino would never stoop that low. He just sighed, looked around, and said, "Well, I guess he's in the bathroom. We both kinda just nodded off."  
  
He stood up, brushed his hands off on his jeans, (why does he do that? There's no purpose.) and looked down at me. He gazed at me in that intense broody Chino way of his, making me a little uncomfortable. It looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn't. He just gave me a half smile and left the room.  
  
I looked around. Brightly colored flowers crowded the room. I got up and looked at them, seeing that most of them were from Jimmy and Marissa Cooper, and also from Caleb Nichol. Some were from teachers; a small bamboo plant was from Anna. I suddenly felt desperately embarrassed for not bringing any.   
  
I was about to make a mad dash for the gift shop when I heard the bathroom door open. I turned around quickly, seeing Seth standing in the doorway staring at me, and I stopped short.  
  
I couldn't stop my eyes from staring directly at Seth's completely bald head. I was desperately hoping my jaw didn't drop. We were both startled silent. He looked terrible. I was sure I could see straight through his pale skin. And nothing could have prepared me for a hairless Cohen.   
  
We stared at each other for a while, taking each other in. I suddenly saw him in my head that night in his room, dancing to Ryan Adams. His arms tightly around me. I remember thinking his hair smelled like peaches. Not very manly, granted, but it became the most comforting smell in the world to me. I began to miss every obnoxiously curly hair on his head.  
  
Seth finally looked away, down at his feet, but I couldn't look away from his head. My stomach sank to my knees.  
  
"Well, uh…" Seth started, his voice scratchy and tired. "How about we start with the hair." He looked at me, a sad look in his eyes while he smiled and attempted humor. "I like it. How about you? I was thinking maybe some wax and I can shine this sucker down-"  
  
"Cohen!" I closed my eyes and held up my hand. When I opened them back up, Seth was frozen in an almost funny way with his mouth hanging open. "Stop. You never stop babbling. Why?"  
  
It had no relevance, and I'm not sure where it came from. Seth looked at the floor. But after I started, I couldn't stop. "I love you." Seth's head shot up. "I know I've never said that to you, but I have a reason. My reason doesn't really make sense to the outside world, but it does to me. I can't love you. It sucks and it makes me want to cry and go buy cook books and crap. I don't know why I let you do this to me Cohen!   
  
"Sometimes, it's good." I looked deeply into his eyes. He has the most adorable eyes, although now they were tired and red. "When I'm around you, I get the best buzz. I don't understand it, and I can't describe it, but this feeling just takes over me. But then when I'm not with you, it starts to hurt. My stomach feels bad and I'm taken over by this fear that I won't ever see you again."   
  
I felt my tears falling steadily now, and I realized I was pacing back and forth around the room. "When Chino told me that you…had cancer, I couldn't help but think of me, and what I would do if you didn't get better. It hurt so much when I thought about it, that I couldn't stand it." I was full out sobbing by this point. "That's why I didn't come by. I was hoping that if I just stayed away, these feelings would just go away and I wouldn't feel as bad. But it didn't work, and now I just want to hold you.  
  
"Last night I remembered it." Seth looked at me funny. "I remembered it because everyone was laughing at you because your best friend was a plastic horse." Cohen still looked confused, so I took a deep breath and recited the words that I had long since forgotten, but by some force of nature, awoke to the night before in a sudden memory of a skinny little boy standing in front of the class with his hands shaking:  
  
"I wish I were a horse  
  
And had a swishy brown tail.  
  
I would walk around in the dewy grass  
  
With my best friend by my side.  
  
We would run around in a green field   
  
With the sun warming our backs.  
  
And we would be free to have fun  
  
And everyone would like us  
  
Just because we were horses  
  
And God's beautiful creatures."  
  
  
  
Seth was staring at me at a complete loss for words. I looked around, searching for the words that I wanted to say. What I came up with, I wasn't sure where I'd gotten from, but I somehow knew it was right.   
  
"You complete me."  
  
Seth's eyes widened. I was frightened, afraid I'd said the wrong thing. I said quickly, "But none of that matters and if you don't want to see me anymore I understand, I just want you to forgive me-"  
  
"Shut up."   
  
My mouth slammed shut. I wanted to barf. 'God, this is what I was scared of.' I looked at Cohen, my mascara smeared all over my face. But he didn't look angry.   
  
Seth started to move slowly towards me, and he said, "You had me at 'Cohen.'"  
  
I didn't get it. But I didn't have to, because he moved closer to me and pressed his lips to mine. He tasted like vomit and jell-o, but I hardly noticed. His arms wrapped around me, and I was suddenly…me.   
  
He pulled away, and grabbed at the video in my hand. He read the title and smiled. "'Jerry Maguire.' That's my girl."  
  
And he kissed me again. And my world fell into place again.  
  
***  
  
Sorry it's so short, but it got done what it needed to. Read and review! Love always. 


	6. A Lap Puppy

Hello all. Okay, for starters, I had a sudden idea for a scene in this chapter while I was smack in the middle of watching "The Nana." The ending to the episode kinda ruined my idea, but after the advice of Molly, God bless her, I am going along with the idea and that would make this story kind of AU, but it kinda is already so, let's just ignore that. Okay? For the sake of this story, let's pretend that the Nana left without intending to get treatment and Seth was diagnosed right after and she had to come back. Thank you for your support, and I own nothing, sadly, I am just using poor Seth Cohen for literary purposes.  
  
By the way, this is Ryan's pov.

* * *

It would be very un-manly of me to explain the sheer joy I felt when I walked into Seth's room that afternoon and saw him and Summer curled up on the bed, spooning. Summer had her arms wrapped around him in a very protective way. Her head was resting on his shoulder, her tear-streaked face turned towards the TV.   
  
"Hey Sum-"  
  
"Shhhhh!" She held a finger to her lips, never taking her eyes off of the TV.  
  
I looked up to see what was so interesting. "What are you watching?" I whispered.  
  
She waited for a second while the movie ended and the credits started rolling. Then she looked at me and wiped her eyes. "Jerry Maguire. Cohen made me watch it. It was so great!"  
  
I nodded. Never saw Jerry Maguire. I wasn't ever really into movies. I mean, I like them, but not like Seth. He had the most extensive DVD collection of anyone I've ever met in my life. He claims his favorite filmmakers are Cameron Crowe and John Hughes. He made me watch Almost Famous, but I fell asleep halfway through it. It had good music, though.  
  
"So…I guess…things went well?" I gave Summer a sideways glance.  
  
Summer looked down at Seth and rubbed her fingers along his flushed cheeks. "I don't know why he did it, but he forgave me." She sighed. "Only, he acted like there was nothing to forgive."  
  
Summer looked up at me and she smiled a little. "He just kissed me, and we watched a movie together, and then he fell asleep in my arms. It was perfect."  
  
She gazed back down at Seth lovingly, and I found myself smiling. I guess even Summer was full of surprises.   
  
I shifted from foot to foot. My shame for what I almost did to Summer was nagging at me even then, and something pushed at me to apologize. "Look, Summer, about…um…what I-"  
  
"He kinda looks cute with no hair, don't you think?" Summer interrupted, her eyes never leaving Seth's face. I stared at her. Wow, I thought, random.  
  
"I mean, not really; he has the cutest hair ever. It's so curly and crazy, it's just precious! But he still looks cute, no matter what his head looks like."  
  
I had a brief moment of my mind frolicking in the gutter at her last comment, but I even saw her scrunch up her nose at the ability to misinterpret her words, so I didn't own up to any immaturity.   
  
"Yea," I said slowly. "Okay. Anyway, I just wanted to say-"  
  
"Do they have good food in the cafeteria today? I am suddenly craving some macaroni and cheese!" Summer finally looked at me; whether she noticed my utterly confused expression, she didn't show it. She was so rudely interrupting me every time I tried to start apologizing.  
  
Then it hit me.  
  
She didn't want me to. I recognized the same pleading look in her eyes that Seth gave me when he was silently begging me not to break down in front of him. I didn't understand it; I didn't know why Summer wouldn't want to suck up any pride I had by listening to me apologize.  
  
But I didn't push. My guilty conscious needed me to apologize, but Summer was having none of it. So I shrugged my shoulders and said, "I don't know. I haven't been down there to check. But, if you want some company…"   
  
Summer shook her head. "Nah, that's alright. I could use some alone time. But I'll come back later."  
  
Summer shook Seth's shoulder and whispered, "Seth? Seth, baby, wake up."  
  
Seth's eyes slowly fluttered half-way open, and he stuck out his lower lip and moaned. "Mmmmmmm. I was having happy dreams."  
  
Summer giggled and playfully pinched his nose. "Aw. Sorry, sweetie. I'm going to get something to eat and I didn't want you to wake up and wonder where I went."  
  
My stomach fluttered at Summer's insight. I knew that it would worry Seth if he woke up and Summer had left. I watched as Summer kissed him softly on the cheek and crawled over him and out of the bed. When she was walking away, she gave a small wave, smiling, and said, "I love you."  
  
I looked at Seth with wide eyes and saw the same shocked expression on his face. Then he grinned in that goofy half-smile he has and said, "I love you too."  
  
I smiled and looked down, a little worried about intruding on their moment (obviously the first time the sacred three words had been uttered to each other), but only a little. After Summer had exited the room, I looked at Seth with raised eyebrows, though still smiling. He was still grinning stupidly when he glanced up at me.   
  
"She loves me."  
  
"So I've heard." I flopped down on the side of the bed and leaned back onto Seth's legs. I pulled the bag of gummy bears out of my pants pocket and chewed on one. I held the bag out to Seth, offering him one. He shook his head, still smiling.  
  
"Gummy bears. How manly."  
  
"Yep. Very macho."  
  
We sat in comfortable silence for a moment, while I chewed on gummy bears and he stared at the ceiling. I glanced at him a couple times, seeing him struggle to stay awake. I was no longer paralyzed with uncontrollable fear that I might lose him, but a little bit still nagged at the bottom of my stomach, waiting for something terrible to happen.  
  
I took a deep breath. "How are you doing? I mean, really?"  
  
Seth looked like he was thinking for a moment, trying to find the right words. I waited for him to say what I knew he wanted to say; that he was scared, and tired, and that he wasn't sure that he was going to get better. He opened his mouth, but he didn't get a chance to say anything, because we were interrupted by a loud, high, distinctly New York voice.  
  
"Setheleh!"   
  
I saw Seth's eyes light up as he cried, "Nana!" and held out his arms. I turned around and saw The Nana being escorted into the room by Sandy and immediately rushing to Seth's bedside. I stumbled out of the vibrant Jewish lady's way as she enveloped Seth into a hug. I glanced at Sandy and he was smirking, though I noticed he looked very tired. I could understand. Between dealing with work, Seth, and most of all, making sure Kirsten didn't fall to pieces, he was about to collapse under the pressure of it all. Add in a highly judgemental and neurotic mother and you were bound to feel a little slack.  
  
"How are you, doll?" The Nana questioned as she gripped Seth's face in her hands. He was smiling a little awkwardly, and he shrugged.   
  
"I'm okay."   
  
An unexpected silence fell over us, and I saw Seth lower his eyes. Nana tilted her head and gazed at him, and her eyes glazed a little. Sandy's hand went up to scratch his head, and he turned and nervously looked at the wallpaper.   
  
Seth looked up at his grandmother earnestly. "How are you doing, Nana?"  
  
She smiled a little and rubbed her thumb over Seth's cheek. "I'm doing fine, sweetie."  
  
I was a little surprised when Seth dove right into his subtle meddling, taking full advantage of his own vulnerability. "So have you thought about the chemo anymore?"  
  
The Nana froze, my eyes grew wide, and I'm pretty sure I heard Sandy snort out loud. The Nana kept her smile in place and said, "Let's not talk about me right now. How are they treating you in here? The food any good?"  
  
Seth shrugged, accepting that he was going to get no answers out of his stubborn grandmother, and said, "It's alright. The horse hooves taste pretty spiffy, but I'm a big fan of the monkey turds."  
  
Before I could catch myself, I had said, "Seth, don't say 'turd.'" I saw Sandy smile as I blushed. I was turning into Seth's mother.   
  
The Nana laughed. "I see your wit has survived unscathed."  
  
Seth raised a finger in the air. "Ah! But I believe it has improved. You wouldn't believe what cancer can do for a person's sarcasm."  
  
Seth laughed, and his grandmother followed suite. I glanced around at my family when I felt my stomach growl. I blushed when the other three occupants in the room looked at me with smiles on their faces, obviously hearing it too.  
  
"God, man, what did you eat?" Seth asked with a laugh  
  
"It appears, son, that he hasn't eaten anything. Ryan, why don't you go get something from the cafeteria?"  
  
I looked around hesitantly, my eyes inevitably locking with Seth's. His rolled and he said, "Go on, Mom. Nana and Dad can keep me entertained while you nourish yourself."  
  
I smiled and nodded. "Okay. I'll-"  
  
"'Be right back.' Yes! Now go! I'm getting sick of looking at your tired ass! Be away, haggard creature!"  
  
I exited the room, grinning as I heard The Nana say, "Setheleh, don't say 'ass' in front of your father."

* * *

Ah, food. Despite the fact that it was hospital cafeteria food, my stomach welcomed anything. Kirsten told me one day that if I didn't start eating food that wasn't made within the walls of the hospital then I may just join Seth in the hospital with food poisoning, or some rare Ethiopian disease, or something.   
  
I felt absolutely horrible for Sandy. I never really made the connection, but I realized that Sandy's mother was already dying of cancer, and now he runs the risk of losing his son to it. It must be really frustrating, particularly since his hard-headed mother isn't even attempting to fight it. I can only imagine how Seth must feel knowing his grandmother wasn't brave enough to battle something that he faced head-on.  
  
I shuffled quietly into Seth's room about an hour after I was shooed out, my belly now full and silent. There was always the chance that Seth was asleep, like now. Sandy was sitting in the chair by the bed, staring at him as he slept. He was curled up into a ball with his hand under his head, the other hand barely keeping itself out of sucking distance. I grinned at the sight, until I caught the look on Sandy's tear-streaked face.   
  
He was just staring, heartbroken. I couldn't believe that Sandy was crying openly where anyone could see him. I hesitantly walked over and put my hand on his shoulder. He didn't move for a moment; he just stared at his sleeping son and cried.   
  
I swallowed the quickly forming lump in my throat before he finally spoke.  
  
"He's bald."  
  
I scrunched my eyebrows. "Yea…" I began slowly. Yea, one could tell that Seth's hair was long gone.   
  
Sandy finally looked at me. He smiled a little and laughed. "I love his hair. It's so curly and wild." He looked at Seth and his grin grew in width. "It suits him, doesn't it?"  
  
I nodded. Hell yea it did.   
  
Sandy put his hand to his mouth, then shakily placed it on Seth's hairless head. He stroked it a few times, then drew his hand away and put it back in his lap. He looked up at me and this time he smiled sadly.   
  
"It just doesn't feel right anymore."  
  
I glanced at Seth, remembering the times he would run his hand over his son's head, and the time he did it to me while I was just outside of conciousness. Sandy's own tool for comfort only now reminded him of the horrible circumstances he was facing.   
  
Without warning, Sandy broke down into tears. I stood, shocked, unmoving. He didn't even bother to cover his face, he just cried terrible, gut-wrenching sobs that tore at your insides. I saw Seth stir, and I was frightened he would wake up in the middle of it, but there was nothing I could do.  
  
After his cries died down a little, I moved between Sandy and the bed, placing my hand on top of his head. I smiled and said, "Does this make you feel better?"  
  
He finally laughed through the tears on his face and said, "Yea, I think I needed that some, too."   
  
We laughed. He glanced at Seth again before he said, "Kirsten and I are going to meet with Seth's doctor this afternoon. He would like to speak with the family. He said there's nothing to be worried about, he just wants to talk to us," he added before I started panicking.   
  
I nodded, and sat down on the edge of the bed next to Seth. "Okay. I think I can keep our little fireball here entertained while you're talking with the doctor," I said and patted Seth on the arm fairly hard. He barely moved.  
  
Sandy stared at me intensely. "He would like to speak with the whole family."  
  
I understood him, and smiled. "Thanks, Sandy."  
  
"No problem, son."

* * *

Kirsten was going to kill me. I knew she would smell the smoke lingering on me when I saw her again. She seems to pick up on everything, in that motherly way one expects her to. But I couldn't take it anymore. Sandy's breakdown coupled with the constant worry just became too much for me and I managed to bum a cigarette off some guy I found sitting in the waiting room of the maternity ward and made my way outside the entrance to the hospital.  
  
I stepped outside onto the sidewalk and stuck the cigarette in my mouth. I stopped when I realized what a moron I was: I didn't have a lighter.   
  
Shit.   
  
I scrambled around feebly in my pocket, knowing full well that I didn't have one. Yeah, this was definitely how things would work for me today. I ran my hand through my hair, realizing that I was shaking. I looked up and slowly my eyes came to rest on a wild patch of dark curly hair, standing alone in the shade, smoking a cigarette.  
  
I recognized The Nana immediately and made my way over to her. I walked slowly, unsure of whether I should let her see me with a cigarette in my mouth. The rebellious spirit in me felt the need to challenge her hypocrisy.   
  
I quietly made my way to stand next to her. She glanced at me out of the corner of her eye, and a half smile tugged at her lips. She let out her breath in a sort of laugh.  
  
I looked at her sideways. "You got a light?"  
  
The Nana raised her eyebrows. "You shouldn't smoke. Those things'll kill ya," she said, while pulling out her bright green lighter anyways.  
  
"Um-Hm," I murmured, taking the lighter and lighting my cigarette. I took one long drag, and felt much of the tension leave my body. I closed my eyes as I exhaled and I heard the Nana snicker.   
  
"You and me both, big guy."  
  
We stood for a moment in silence, both of us puffing on our cigarettes, our minds elsewhere. I suddenly felt very close to this woman. We were very different, but we shared a common concern, and a common weakness.   
  
My eyes drifted to a pregnant woman walking along the sidewalk, holding hands with a little boy I could only assume was her son. He was smiling, his eyes twinkling as he looked up at the woman's belly. He was probably going to be a big brother, and he knew that he was going to have to protect the baby. He would have to look out for it, teach it things about life.  
  
"Get the dork out of fights," I accidently said out loud before chuckling and turning red.  
  
The Nana looked at me with eyebrows scrunched. "Pardon?"  
  
I shook my head, still grinning. "Nothing."  
  
She nodded halfway, confused. The she looked back out at the street, cigarette still in hand.   
  
I glanced at her. She looked nervous. She flicked her ashes on the ground then cleared her throat and said, "How, uh…Well, you know Seth pretty well, right? He tells you things that he doesn't tell anyone?"  
  
I nodded slowly. "Yea…I mean, he's my best friend, and I know he doesn't have many. Seth doesn't really keep secrets, you know?"  
  
The Nana nodded. "But you do, don't you?"  
  
She looked at me, and I looked down at the ground. I nodded.   
  
She said, "I know. I can tell. I know the type. I've seen many people like you. You're so much like Sandy."  
  
I stopped. I shook my head. I wasn't like Sandy. He was open and honest with himself. I always hiding from things, and people. "What are you talking about? Sandy's-"  
  
"Nothing but a scared little boy hiding under bravado. Trust me Ryan, Sandy's had a lot to get through to be where he is today. Why do you think he felt like he had to help you so badly? He's been you."  
  
I looked The Nana in the eyes; this hard, tough woman and saw the regret.   
  
My eyes dropped back down to the ground. "So…," I started, uncomfortable with the intensity of our conversation. "Did you want to know something… specific, about Seth?"  
  
She took a drag off her cigarette, then exhaled. "Yea. I was wondering, exactly, how he's doing. He must confide in you, even though he tells everyone else he's doing fine."  
  
"Well, you know, it hurts. He's sick all the time, and-"  
  
"Ryan."  
  
I looked at the woman next to me. Without even opening her mouth, I knew she was saying, "You know what I mean."  
  
"He's hanging in there. But I think he's getting tired, and worn down."  
  
The Nana shook her head. "The treatment is a terrible thing. I can tear a person apart. But you have to make sure he understands that he has to do this, that he has to keep going to get better. Okay?"  
  
She looked at me desperately, and I glanced at the cigarette in her hand. I looked the intimidating woman in the eyes and let the words flow from my head.  
  
"Seth's fighting. Hard, with everything he's got. Why won't you?"  
  
The Nana said nothing. I turned around after a moment, glancing at the cigarette I was holding, slowly burning itself away. I tossed it to the ground, and ground it in with my toe, suddenly disgusted with myself. I turned and left, leaving The Nana standing still, unmoving.

* * *

My body refused to move inside the door. I paused, my hand hovering about the handle, shaking. I was shaken from head to toe from the meeting with Seth's doctor. Sandy and Kirsten had reassured me that it was okay, that it didn't matter, that they would find someone else. That it was okay that it wasn't me.  
  
I didn't care.   
  
I wanted it to be me.  
  
I heard a small whimpering noise coming from inside the room, so I threw the door open in a panic. I froze when I found the bed empty. I moved closer to the bed and heard a small, tentative, "Ryan?"  
  
I looked over the edge of the bed, and huddled in the small space between the bed and the wall, was Seth.  
  
His knees were pulled up to his chest, and his arms were wrapped around his ankles. Tears were streaming in a steady flow down his face. His eyes were red and swollen, and his nose was a humorous shade of red.   
  
I rushed to the other side of the bed, and kneeled next to him. "Seth? What happened?"  
  
"Nothing." He sniffled. Then he looked at me with the largest, most painful eyes I have ever seen. "I'm just so tired. So tired." He shook his head and rested it on his knees.  
  
I didn't know exactly what to do, so I placed my hand on his shoulder and gave it a small squeeze. "I know."  
  
After a minute, and his tears died down, he looked at me and asked, "So what've you been up to? I heard you guys met with the Doc."  
  
I nodded, the familiar lump forming in my throat. "Yea, I didn't pay much attention, really. I think they're looking into a bone marrow transplant."  
  
Seth scrunched his nose. "Ew."  
  
I nodded. I wasn't being completely honest. The meeting was pretty much a fog. All I could really recall was the mention of the transplant, then the doctor looking straight at me, and my stomach falling to the floor when he spoke:  
  
"Siblings make the best candidates for these transplants. I think you might be able to help."  
  
I remember the hopeful look on the doctor's face, and the nervous look on Sandy and Kirsten's faces. I remember the choking sound that came out the first time I tried to say "I'm not his brother. Not really."  
  
"Ryan?"  
  
"Yea?" I pushed the thoughts to the back of my brain, only to have them shoot forward again. I shook my head, then I looked at Seth and saw the tears fall once again.   
  
"Seth? What's the matter?"  
  
"I'm not going to get better, am I?"   
  
It was desperate, defeated, and yet, hopeful. I felt my eyes itch, but I held back. I couldn't say anything; I stared in the eyes of the boy sitting next to me, who seemed so small and young in that moment.   
  
"Am I?" he practically screamed, startling me.   
  
I opened my mouth, and choked before I said, "Yes, of course you are."  
  
Seth stared at me, then lowered his head to his knees and sobbed. I sat there helpless, unsure of what I could possibly do to comfort him. I finally draped an arm across his shoulder feebly. Seth shocked me more than anything when he fell into my arms and, strangely, began moving closer. I almost pinched myself when he crawled his lanky self into my lap.   
  
I just sat there, startled for a moment, with a young man taller than myself curled up in my lap with his arms desperately clinging to me, his fists tangled into the back of my shirt. Had Luke been here, he would have been beside himself with homophobia.  
  
Before I could come up with something, ANYTHING, to say or do, he said into my shoulder, "I love you. I'm not gay, but I think I love you more than Summer, and maybe even my mom and dad. You're my brother, definitely. No boundaries, no technicalities, you're my brother."  
  
It was like he knew what had happened in the doctor's office, though I knew he didn't. It was like he could feel what hurt inside of me. My arms stretched around his thin frame and my tears found their way to my eyes. I had never had someone tell me they loved me more than anything. Never.  
  
"Tell me I'm going to be okay. Please, tell me I'll be okay," he sobbed.  
  
I squeezed Seth tighter, pulling him closer than I'd ever held anyone. The words didn't come, I couldn't speak.   
  
"Promise me!" he screamed at me.  
  
Unharnessed and painful fear lanced through me, and I could say nothing. I didn't have any answers, and I knew that my little brother, though he was fighting, didn't have much hope.  
  
Except for mine.  
  
Behind my eyelids, film played in my mind. Of unruly hair, a face being buried in the sand. A hug, unexpected and warm. A Playstation controller, handed over casually, without question. A slice of pizza shared between two heartbroken brothers. A thousand smiles, thank-you's for a friend, which was all he really needed.   
  
"I promise."  
  
I hoped that the little boy got a baby brother.

* * *

Phew! Soooooo sorry for taking so long with this chapter. It was hard, and I'm not sure I'm happy with it, but I figured you guys would kill me if I took much longer. I'm so sorry. Well, one more chapter to go. You'll find out what happens to Seth and co., and I hope you like it and it. Thank you for being patient with me and helping me complete my first multi-chapter story. Thanks again! 


	7. A Bowl of Oranges

Okay, last chapter. Finally. This is the conclusion and essentially the epilogue. Thank you so much for the help you guys have given me. I love you guys soooo much, you have no idea how inspiring you are. And of course, thank you Molly, this is for you buddy.

* * *

My mind was whirling as I approached the gurney that Seth was lying on, waiting to be rolled into surgery. He was talking very enthusiastically with Summer and she was holding his hand. I slowly made my way to the opposite side. It appeared that he could feel my presence, because he looked away from Summer and at me and smiled that big, classic Cohen smile. And I smiled back, because it was impossible not to.   
  
"Hey, bro," he said softly.  
  
"Hey yourself." Out of the corner of my eye I saw Summer back away slowly and slip her hand out of Seth's, and I was thankful that she allowed us to have our moment. I stole a glance at her and grinned.  
  
I sighed and gazed down at Seth. "You ready?"  
  
He took a deep breath and nodded. "Yea. I better be, huh?" He smiled once again.  
  
I looked him over, and saw his trembling hand holding onto his bed sheet. I slipped my hand under his, prying his fingers from the sheet, and squeezed his hand. He looked up at me like a little child who just got a new puppy.   
  
"Everything will be okay," I told him.  
  
He nodded. Then he looked down at our hands, and I almost didn't hear him whisper, "Thank you."  
  
I grinned. My heart thumped so hard I heard my pulse in my ears. "No problem." I knew he was thanking me for being his friend, his brother, his partner in crime, his confidante, his rock…and I knew I was all these things for him, though in possibly more important ways, he was those things for me.   
  
Then I leaned down close to his ear and said, for the first time I'd said it to another person in years, "Love you too."  
  
Then he smiled, and squeezed my hand, and a tear rolled down his cheek. Then a nurse began rolling him away, and we held onto each other until our hands slipped apart at our finger tips. He smiled at me as he rolled through the doors. I backed away until I felt Sandy's hand on my back. I kept staring off at the door that Seth had disappeared through, and then I felt Kirsten's arm slip around my waist. Then I closed my eyes and, for the first time since I was a child, I prayed. To no one in particular, because I wasn't sure what I believed exactly, but I prayed, and then I thanked whoever was listening for giving me what I needed most: a family.

* * *

May 2005  
  
Of all the things that Newport Beach had to offer, I sorely underrated the sight of the sparkling blue ocean. I wasn't really a beach kind of guy, but the water moving serenely over the soft warm sand was something I had grown to love over the two years I had lived in the town. There had been many laughs, and even more pain, but, as I gazed at the ocean, I found a place that was called home.  
  
I smiled a little, feeling the pain of the last couple years become swallowed by the love and happiness that now lived inside of me. Then I glanced down at the red polyester gown lying on my bed. I laughed at the absurdity of the squared cardboard hat with the funny tassel, and slipped the gown on.  
  
I inhaled the scent of brand-new polyester and I almost cried. It was a long road to get to this moment. A lot of pain, and struggling, and tears. I heard familiar giggling coming from my bathroom, and I smiled to myself.  
  
"It won't lay flat!"  
  
"So help me God, if you put that nasty crap in your beautiful hair, I will make you eat it!"  
  
"It kinda looks like blue jell-o, so…"  
  
"Hand me the gel, Cohen."  
  
Summer and Seth appeared, arguing, with Summer trying to wrestle a tube of gel out of Seth's hand. Both were wearing red graduation gowns, Summer's hair perfectly styled into large ringlets. Seth was wearing the required collared shirt, with a bright orange tie with twinkies all over it, just to make it his own.  
  
"Cohen!" Summer said in a tone of warning.  
  
Seth sighed loudly, stomped his foot, and looked at me desperately. "Ryan, tell Summer I'm allowed to put whatever I want in MY OWN HAIR."  
  
He looked pointedly at Summer. She glared and crossed her arms. I smiled, and said, "Oh, you're not dragging me into that, buddy. You're on your own."  
  
Seth let out a pathetic whine and Summer smiled smugly. "Why can't I try to get my hair to lay flat? What is so wrong with that?"  
  
"Because, Cohen, you have beautiful hair and you're very lucky to have it so if you put any foreign substance in it I will make you suffer so badly that you and your right hand will get very, very friendly."  
  
I snorted out my laughter as Seth gave up and marched back into the bathroom to put away the gel. I glanced at Summer and saw her smiling wistfully to herself. I knew what she was thinking. Seth's hair had grown back EXACTLY as it had been before, and Summer couldn't have been happier.   
  
Junior year had been a tough year, although, ironically, one of the best of my life. I made the first true friends I'd ever had, and I got an actual family. But Seth's leukemia had shaken all of us to our core. That was such a frightening time, watching him suffer and wondering if he would get better. I felt such inadequacy that I couldn't be the one to save him, only because of the fact that we weren't biologically brothers, but I was just happy that he was still around. I was just thankful that someone could save him, even though it wasn't me.  
  
"Hey," I heard Marissa's soft voice as she came into the room. She put her arm around me and kissed me on the cheek. We had had our ups and downs, definitely, but we eventually realized that we had to let all the crappy circumstances fall by the wayside and work at a relationship. We learned that great piece of advice from none other than Seth Cohen.  
  
After his bone marrow transplant one day, I was sitting on the floor in the living room playing Playstation with Seth, who was on the couch wrapped up with a blanket. Marissa had called and wanted to go out to a movie, just me and her. I turned her down of course, a little regretfully. After I returned from the kitchen and Seth and I resumed our game, he asked, "Who was that?"  
  
"Marissa."  
  
"Hm. Are you guys going out or something?"  
  
"Nah."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
Game over. I looked up at him as my character died. "What do you mean?"  
  
Seth sighed and put down his controller. "When was the last time you guys went out and did something, just the two of you?"  
  
I scrunched my eyebrows and thought. It probably wasn't since before Seth got sick… "I don't know. It's okay though. I'd rather hang out with you tonight." I smiled, expecting this to satisfy Seth and make feel good.   
  
Instead, he rolled his eyes. "Ryan, what have you been doing every day for the last few months? Hanging out with me," he answered for me. "You need to spend some time with Marissa, cuz, quite frankly bro, I'm getting a little sick of you."  
  
I smiled. Yeah, I really did miss Marissa. But a strange feeling of guilt nagged at me. "But I really don't want to leave you here by yourself. Someone needs to keep you entertained."  
  
"No worries, my dear brother." Seth held his hand out and closed his eyes for dramatic effect. "Once the Summer realizes that The Marissa is out frolicking and possibly getting sweaty with The Ryan, she will be over here cuddling and begging to get sweaty with me."  
  
I stared at him. "Despite the fact that that all made perfect sense, you still worry me, you strange, strange, little boy."  
  
Seth smiled and shrugged. "Well, I try."  
  
Seth marched out of the bathroom in a huff, demanding, "Okay, are we ready to go, yet?"  
  
Marissa, Summer, and I smiled. It was a miracle in itself that Seth was actually graduating with us, much less as Salutatorian. He almost had to repeat his junior year, but he worked hard to keep up. Plus, I think Dr. Kim has a soft spot for him.  
  
I looked around me, at the smiles on my friends' faces.  
  
"Yeah. I think we're ready."

* * *

The four of us had piled into Summer's car while the parents took their own separate vehicles. I think we all needed to spend that day with each other. Graduation was something to be shared with friends, making memories and trying to forget that our lives were about to change in a huge way.  
  
"What the hell are we listening to?" Seth demanded from the front passenger seat, turning to look pointedly at me.  
  
I hung my mouth open. "This is the Allman Brothers! You can't trash a classic."  
  
Seth rolled his eyes and started flipping the dial. "Summer, what did I tell you about letting Ryan near the radio. Oh, my God! Perfect!" Seth laughed as we heard a peppy guitar riff coming out of the speakers. Seth turned it up, and I frowned. I heard a couple of moaning "ohs" from a remarkable yet distinctly pre-pubescent male voice, and Summer and Marissa laughed with Seth. It sounded familiar…  
  
Oh. My. God.  
  
Seth and Summer sang along in loud, out of tune voices.  
  
_You have so many relationships in this life  
  
Only one or two will last.  
  
You go through all the pain and strife  
  
Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast.  
  
_ I couldn't help the grin from spreading on my face. I remembered this song. I remembered despising it, yet ultimately finding myself humming and tapping my foot every time I heard it.  
  
_So hold onto the ones who really care  
  
In the end they'll be the only ones there.  
  
When you get old and start losing your hair  
_  
I laughed at the last line they sang. Seth was bouncing in his seat and air drumming. Summer was caught in an uncontrollable fit of giggles, and Marissa was bobbing her head and yanking on my arm.  
  
_Can you tell me who will still care?  
_  
Seth looked back and me and grinned. It was infectious; an infectious smile, and an infectious song. A song that's, I was reluctant to say, not that bad.  
  
I began to sing.  
  
_Mmmbop ba du ba dop   
  
Ba du bop ba du ba dop ba  
  
Du bop ba du ba dop ba du  
  
Yeah, yeah,  
  
Mmmbop…__

* * *

_  
When our class processed into the auditorium in alphabetical order, I was the first one seated. I was going to be the first person in my class to get my diploma.  
  
I smiled when they called up to the stage the top ten GPAs. Marissa primly walked onto the stage and accepted her plaque, smiling sweetly at Dr. Kim as she shook her hand. Seth strutted onto the stage, almost tripping over the step and knocking over the table full of diplomas in the process. Regardless, Dr. Kim smiled and presented him with a plaque. Then they announced the Salutatorian and Valedictorian. Seth stayed onstage and stepped up to the podium. He cleared his throat, and presented our class with a classic crooked grin.  
  
"Hey. Um, in case some of you don't know, I'm Seth Cohen. Hi."  
  
I grinned. I couldn't believe someone would give Seth Cohen free reign to say whatever he wanted to in front of hundreds of people. How naïve.  
  
"Um, not a lot of you really care what I have to say, I guess, but, well, you'll get over it."  
  
Many of the graduates laughed, and Dr. Kim looked confused and a little alarmed.  
  
"Not many of you people paid much attention to me over the last four…well, 13 years. But what I have to say isn't for you. It's for the people that matter, and I think you know who you are.  
  
"I know that everyone has been saying this since we began our senior year, but our lives are changing. Leaving for college, not living at home, not being around the same people we've grown to know so well. I know that some of you are sad and nostalgic, and some of you can't wait to get the hell out of here."  
  
More laughter, and more nasty looks from Dr. Kim.  
  
"But the last few years, no matter what you think, pretty much defined who you're going to be. I know that even though I have the heart of the most beautiful girl in the world,"  
  
I glanced over my shoulder and spotted Summer, a huge grin and tears on her face.  
  
"I'm still going to play video games and read comic books to pass the time. And, I'm sorry Dad, but that football dream just isn't going to happen. And I know that, should something happen to Ryan Atwood, God forbid, the wife-beater industry would go down the toilet."  
  
Seth paused, and he looked at me and laughed.  
  
"The last couple years, for me, haven't been the easiest. But they've also been the best. I guess that's how most things in life are: hard and beautiful. If you make a ton of money and stay sexy and wrinkle-free, nobody really cares. So, I'm not going to tell you to 'climb every mountain and forge every stream.' If you don't wanna, who cares? I know I don't. Just look at all the things in your life and take them for what they really are. If you get fat, there's more of you to love. If you lose all your money and steal from all of your friends, remember that there's one friend who's willing to help you start your own restaurant, even though you kissed his wife."  
  
A strange mix of gasps and laughter erupted from the audience. I looked at Marissa, only to find her grinning.  
  
"And if you happen to get cancer, heck, buy a cool wig! And remember that you're not just fighting for your life for you, but that someone else counts on you to be there."  
  
Seth glanced down at the podium, then back at me. I felt my eyes itch, but I gave him an encouraging smile and mouthed, "Thank you."  
  
"Just remember that things will be okay. Unless your grandfather marries your foster brother's girlfriend's mother, making your new grandmother 2 years younger than your mom. In which case run, run away, as fast as you can."  
  
We all laughed at that. Seth gave a quick nod and stumbled off the stage to his seat. I stretched my arm over the back of my chair and Seth clasped my hand. I squeezed his before we let go, and I turned back to listen to Maria Robinson, the valedictorian, give her speech.  
  
"The future is limitless, with blue skies to soar, and mountains to climb…"

* * *

"I'm warning you, Cohen, leave your hair ALONE!"  
  
"Summer-"  
  
"I don't care! It's fine!"  
  
Seth, Summer, Marissa, and I were piled up against a tree while our parents desperately tried to get us to stay still and pose for pictures. Summer and Seth were, of course, arguing.  
  
"Seth," I said, "your hair really is fine, man."  
  
I smiled as Seth stuck out his lower lip. Then he slung his arm around my shoulders and I slid my arm around Marissa's waist.  
  
"Alright, guys, just one more," Sandy said and held up the camera. We all smiled and said "cheese," and I glanced across the lawn to the parking lot, and my smile fell.  
  
When we were done taking pictures, I quietly excused myself and made my way to the parking lot. A few moments later, I stood facing my mother.  
  
She gave me a shaky smile and I asked, "What are you doing here?"  
  
She looked down at her feet, then said, "W-well, my son just graduated. I know I haven't seen you in a while, but…"  
  
My mom looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "I wanted to let you know that I'm very proud of you."  
  
I finally smiled, and she smiled back. "Thank you."  
  
"It looks like you've been doing okay for yourself," she said and gestured over to Sandy, Kirsten, and Seth, who were arguing good-naturedly over something. "Theresa said something about your friend over there being sick. I hope he's okay."  
  
I nodded. "Yeah, he's fine now, thanks."  
  
An awkward silence followed, her looking off at the Cohen's and me looking at the ground. I only glanced up when she said, "Why don't you come with me back home, and we can celebrate…together."  
  
I slowly shook my head, and said, "No, I can't. Seth and I were going to go over to Summer's for a while, then go home and play video games or watch movies or something. Just hang out."  
  
Dawn looked confused and hurt. "Well, y-you can do that any other night. I want to spend some time with you. Why do you have to spend you graduation night playing video games with him?"  
  
I looked over my shoulder at Seth, who was fussing with his hair and trying to get Kirsten to stop crying. I grinned and turned back to my mother.  
  
"Because he's my brother."  
  
I gave her a quick hug, a kiss on the cheek, and a good-bye. Then I started walking back to my family, following the sound of laughter.   
  
_Your eyes must do some rainin'   
  
If you're ever gonna grow.  
  
But when cryin don't help,   
  
You can't compose yourself,   
  
It's best to compose a poem.  
  
An honest verse of longing, or a simple song of hope.  
  
That's why I'm singin' baby don't worry  
  
Cuz now I've got your back.  
  
And every time you feel like cryin  
  
I'm gonna try and make you laugh.   
  
And if I can't   
  
If it just hurts too bad,   
  
Then we'll wait for it to pass.  
  
And I will keep you company through those days so long and black.  
  
And we'll just keep working on the problem  
  
We know we'll never solve  
  
Of Love's uneven remainders.  
  
Our lives are fractions of a whole.  
  
But if the world could remain within a frame  
  
Like a painting on a wall.  
  
Then I think we'd see the beauty.  
  
Then we would stand staring in awe  
  
At our still lives posed  
  
Like a bowl of oranges,  
  
Like a story told  
  
By the fault lines, and the soil.  
_  
"Bowl of Oranges"   
  
Bright Eyes

* * *

There ya have it. The longest story I've ever completed. I hope you guys like it, I love you all. Please review and I have another story planned. It's a one-shot and it's another Ryan-Seth centric story. And of course, "Mmmbop" is by Hanson, and yes, I'm very sorry but I've loved Hanson's music since I was eleven. I've accepted it, and I hope you do too.   
  
I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.   
  
Peace, Love, and Bullet-proof Marshmallows,  
  
Beth 


End file.
